You know when you arrive on a dance floor and just wish you had donned something with sequins, because that woman over there looks like a chandelier, or a firework, and there you are in something that reflects absolutely nothing beyond the fact that it is obvious you can never sit down because that body-hugging fat controller would sever blood flow to your brain in about 4 minutes.
As I lean against a door frame with something fizzy in my hand I ponder my lack of ‘reflectivability’ and I always come to the same conclusion.
I doubted. I doubted myself inside the dress I actually wanted to wear, hearing, as I always do, those matronly voices tutting at me. You’re too chunky, too old, too much of a farmer’s wife, too much of a mother of five to actually, seriously (!) consider wearing that!?
And so, the sequins stay wrapped in plastic doubt for another year, two years, and then some. It thinks me. To be absolutely honest, the call for sequins nowadays is rare, if it comes at all. Living on a rain-soaked island is more welly and’mackintosh’ (does anyone use that delicious word these days?) than it ever is sequins and heels. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them, even now, and I really believe in holding that love close. It is easy to forget sparkle and yet sparkle is everything. Okay, not necessarily sequins and champagne, but that wonderful human sparkle that can be held inside wellies and mackintoshes. It’s all in the eyes. When life feels a bit solid and lumpish, there is someone, always one someone who sparkles. They don’t always manage it, but that’s also okay, because when they don’t, you can. It’s a see-saw thing. One of us is up, one of us is down, one of us light, one heavy…… then it changes.
Today I went to church and heard a lovely positive message, sang good Christmas songs (in a slightly higher key than any of us could ever reach) and then I filled the manger with hay and swaddled Jesus ( they said….. she can do it , she’s had five…..) ready for the school nativity play tomorrow, all the while, laughing and talking and watching the light in eyes all around me. Without doubt I could see the sequins, hear the music, feel the dance.
This is ordinary mackintosh life reflecting a sequinned light.