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Island Blog – Bumble, Soup and Times Ahead

I wake in my old thoughts a few times in the night for no good reason beyond the immense shackalackle of fat rain crashing down and making a noise I might have reported to the Noise Police had I not realised what it was and therefore controlled my inner fishwife. The thoughts were weird, random, old stuff. I did the ‘wheesht’ thing with my hands, both of them. Thoughts are uncontrollable. It thinks me of those teachers who go into schools and who, though strong on their subject, just cannot hold the room and are thus vulnerable to the jokesters. I am trying, over decades, to teach my thoughts, and they are pupils even now. I can brandish my wand until I become the catherine wheel, but they won’t, don’t listen to me, no matter how many sparks I spiral out into the night, any night. I must befriend them. Much like teachers, I guess.

As I drove the skinny road to work this morning, I felt so excited. I mean something here. I am someone. I am the Washeroo. Others can do it all, with eloquence and majesty but I love that place. It used to be about hiding and I could. nobody could see me there. I love the change that the Calgary Cafe has wrought in me. It was an invitation and, I am sure, a risk, but here I am again and who knew how many dancing staff could shimmy around each other with dozens of lunch orders and with tunes on, and with changes and skedaddles on table shifts and others suddenly joining and the joy in it all.

My break. I grabbed a courgette, pea and mint soup in a big cup and took myself off to Pixty. As I opened the door, I tipped the hot soup, not much but enough to singe fingers. I did laugh and opened my windows to the warm sun. A bumble flew in, beautiful, sharp arse, conifer stripe. Hey, I said, quietly. I got the trapped thing in its buzz. I held my fingers up and it landed there. Then, window open gone.

New Times ahead.

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Island Blog – It takes Time

I used to be lonely, and for years, not just after himself took off to the stars, although that sideswiped. me a ton truck more than I had expected. When you care for a partner, and for so very long, you can find yourself wanting it to end.

I used to envy oldies like me walking past my island home holding hands and actually talking happily together. I used to slow down, to tackle any task wounting my steps, pausing a lot. Any task would have taken me five minutes plus a bit in the past. But the past is gone and I am very changed. Most of that change is olding, and we all face that, in time, but there is a lift and lift of responsive changeability, which kind of implies I did the changing myself. I did. I knew I didn’t want to hover over the past, wishing a load of shit away. I knew, instead, that I wanted to be someone, be something, no matter any demise, any trauma, any loss. And, the answer was/is simple. I hate that because it isn’t. However, over the last six odd years, suddenly alone and not just in the death of himself, but of my family leaving the island, I have learned much. Actually this learning thing has surprised me with its results. It seems to me that, by just a gentle daily practice with intention, a whole. way of seeing and believing shifts like something underwater and unseen.

I. wanted. to decide I was perfectly okay with all those happy lives around me. I wanted not to feel lonely and. definitely not needy., but a decision like that has. no legs because it’s all about willpower, and mine is floppy. I don’t know when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, to question my going out there among friends with a rictus smile, the great pretender. But I do. remember. hiding, facing nothing, living in minutes, filling in hours, drudging my days. And at some point I found light, just a twinkle, a tiny something that lifted my. heart, made me smile. Could. have been a. hug that was real, a hold. Could have been the stranger who wanted to chat in the veg. section of Dugie’s. Could have. been a kindness on the road to a dentist appointment. I don’t remember.

When the whatever began it showed as faith in humanity. I felt seen and heard. I mattered, and that made me ‘matter’ up. I began. to appear, to rock up, to step up. Now I work, now I walk, now I see couples go by hand in hand and wave and smile and wish them a wonderful evening. Now I feel that I miss nothing at all. I can embrace those slow minutes and, when I put on tunes, can dance through rooms that hold only happy memories. I remember so much now that my mind is rid of all that angst. The key for me is thankfulness. When I wake, whatever the striations of the night, I greet the dawn with a thankyou. As I go through my day I thank and allow. The things that irritate are only there when we feel like confronting. If we don’t, if we just back up, back down. then I recommend the peace that comes from that decision. Everyone has a tough life.

This takes a decision and practice and a lot ot Time. They say Time is an illusion. I like them.

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Island Blog – Thoughts and Feelings

It is so good to be home, and. that thinks me. Learning as I have from others, wiser than I, I make my mind go deep on them. It is too easy to think a thought or to feel a feeling and for either to skitter off like kangaroos. I want to grab them and to hold either and for us, together, to burrow deeper. What is it about coming home that really makes it so wonderful? What is it about that feeling that so caught me by surprise? It can be catch in breath, a skitter in the belly, a wildflower in the mind, or a sudden desire to run. It can be so many things, but without deep thought it can decide itself and that is usually a mistake. As long as we surface glide over feelings and thoughts we can make wrong decisions, ones we later regret. However, it is understandable that we do this surface gliding thing because nobody ever taught us how to hold, to allow, to let a reaction breathe for itself. Instead, we react. I have reacted so often in my life that I have learned the inefficacy of it. Not always, of course, not when a situation requires it in order to save someone from falling into the beyond of themselves, but often when there was nobody nor nothing in danger beyond my pride or the invasion of my personal space or my crappy decision to go inside when I knew that inside was a trap.

Situations mellow me for sure, people, friends, community, a safe place, home. This is a truth, although even this will never stop the budgie flutters of awkward encounters and situations, most of which happen in my beautiful island home and when I am all alone and in my own mind. Thinks and feelings have, as it seems, no boundaries. And I love the challenge. In my youth, nobody mentioned feelings. In fact I do recall being remonstrated with for the abundance of my own as if. I was somehow poisoned and potentially a dange. to others. I was, I know it. Without. a clue and in my youth I just know I ‘infected’ others. Who in my days ever ever spoke of feelings. or developed thoughts? Answer…..Nobody.

Thus my feelings about being home list thus….. warmed, welcomed, safe, protected. My thoughts are scattermagic. They will settle as I let them breathe. Half of them are still in Africa after all. The key is to allow, to give thoughts and feelings time because they are up against all the fears, anxieties, imaginary demons, realtime horribles and more, already swirling like crows inside any of us, and they will wait for a clearer sky in which to unfold.

I am home and that is more than enough.

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Island Blog – From Flame to Ice

It feels so weird turning over two calendar pages. I did say thank you to the one I flipped past, something to do with not being picked for the netball team I think. Strange how the past triggers thoughts of being unimportant like mist when the sun comes out. I see how my home has been nurtured in my absence and I feel truly thankful. I have great and good friends who probably would pick me for the netball team, even just for laughs. I unpack, downstairs because my huge suitcase is way too heavy for an upstairs attempt. It’s good for me, I tell me, to do a lot of stair rising, which it. is. People my age give up too early. The wash is on, the mail opened and mostly binned, the fire lit, the range turned right up and the upstairs of this old home ever-so-slightly warmed. Lordy, it’s cold, and snowing now, a lot, like meaningfully determined. The tulips are flattening, ditto daffys and soon the anemones and wee other things will disappear completely. I tell them, snow gets warm as a coverall. I hope that’s true.

I was, I confess, afeared of my journey from mainland to ferry port, the chance of said ferry being offed for about ten reasons, the roads being busy, wet, rainfilled, the clouds so heavy they just land right in front of you, but none of that happened. My journey through quiet roads was easy, my arrival way before time, my name on the list and the ferry (not the bathtub) was shorter than expected as I met and talke with a lovely young islander woman all the way through a dodgy cup of tea. There was nobody on the boat we knew, we agreed. The season has begun. We talked of the ferry disruptions and our thoughts on the proposal for a tunnel and we both blanched at that. The thing about island life is that it is safe just because nobody can get here without a ferry ticket.

It’s snowing. This stupidly named gale is coming apparently. The roads may slip us or they may not. The visitors may grumble or they may not. There may come a storm that threatens life and limb, or there may not. The weather reports. always give us. the disaster thing. It is nonsense. All anyone has to be is prepared. I learned ‘prepared’ even before Tapselteerie. I learned it from the boots up in Norfolk, married to a farmer who could look at me, all puzzled, when I freaked out about something he had encountered and managed for years. In my defence, I was only 20. I. learned quick and why was that? Because I want to be an agile and vibrant part of an active life. I still do. It. does. wonder me. Are there gazillions of people out there who just don’t want to face what is clearly ahead?

Enough now. Unpacked and chilly, I am morphing myself back into. the now of the now of island life, the life I love. And I wish you all a very happy Easter.

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Island Blog – Pecking at Authority,Mischief and Kathy

Watching the Hadidas pecking all day across a wide expanse of grass, I’m thinking beyond the obvious. There are worms down there and other numnums with wings, a load of legs, all not quick enough to avoid those long beaks. The birds are patient and they need to be. Their daily life is spartan. I started counting the pecks, all the way up to 100 and there are still 20 birds out there, pecking. The ground is authority to them, a solid backbone of earth, the truth of survival. And that’s what thinks me.

In our human world, we don’t need to peck. Or do we? Authority presents, finite, solid. Think about a work situation, a relationship, the rules in church, a community, even inside a family. Rules is rules. Rules is solid ground and, for a while, a safe landing. But for those of us who peck at the authority of said safe ground there is the likelihood of holes, holes we made, I made. In this scenario I am destructive. I create holes, but not only that. In my hole-making I discover a lower world, a hidden one. Down there is a change of soil at the very least, an interesting revelation, mine. I also pecked sideways and up, into the fabric of authority, into the above and beyond of confines and restrictions and was always surprised, nay astonished, to find I only ever had one friend who appeared alongside. RIP Kathy. Together we got quick and grew silent. We could move like shape shifters along old oak corridors and past evil matrons and in the dead of night. I’m not sure of our agendas beyond gentle mischief. We just wanted to peck at authority, make holes in the nonsense of scratchy grey nickers and galoshes on Sundays, at church every five minutes and nobody allowed to move sideways on any accepted subject. Life was stifling, but not for us because we always found mischief in everything and anything; a latin word, the shriek of a head girl on a mission, the way everyone took everything so seriously.

I laud her now, my dead friend and say hallo in these words. Tomorrow I fly home from SA, from 18 degrees to 7. I will go into the authority of an airport and my own tension will meet the onslaught of everyone else’s. I will feel it all. This bit can be stressful and challenging, all the doubts coming in, all the fears. For me, there is no fear once on a plane. My discomfort is within the terminals, and yet, and yet, here lies opportunity along with authority. The perceived authority is within the walls of the concourse, but is it? Yes, to an nth degree but where is the vowel in that, the ‘I’? So I peck holes. I smile at everyone, knowing they are tense. I say hallo and ask for help and pay a compliment. A lot. I laugh at myself, skidding along the moving floor, dithering alongside the underground train in Heathrow, trying to read the information, and more. And I make a little mischief, I play, I make fun, have fun, because it isn’t fun if nobody makes it.

I remember you, Kathy, spoke of you today, wee elfin friend. We did no harm, but by golly we pecked holes in authority, back in the grey nickers, Sunday stifle-days. We lost touch over the years you lived out here in SA and then found each other in London. 45 odd years later and see us in a wine bar, big glasses of Chardonnay and we hadn’t missed a beat. We laughed and remembered as if we were still 17. Thank you my pixie friend, my co-mischiever. I’ve never met another.

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Island Blog – Eluctation, elucidation and endings

The ending of my son’s golden retriever is a wonderful thing to follow. He sways all sassy without having a clue he’s doing this sassy thing as we walk through the vineyards over sand tracks all cobbled with stone-rush thanks to the recent heavy rains. He has four legs so his walk is more of a glide than mine as I pick my way over ostrich egg-sized stones. The sun is already fire-bright and hot at 0900 and there is red sand between my toes. My feet look like I haven’t washed in weeks which isn’t the case. As the three of us walk, there are many strides of silence peppered with sprinkles of shared ideas or information. The vines are turning gold and copper now, curving into rest, their long and important work done for another year.

We talked of how the world is now, for a bit, but didn’t stay there too long. The thing about my family is that, whatever comes (or came) our way, we always see the wotwot of it, are as aware as we can be, and then quickly find what we can control and all that we cannot. That is where we begin because we have all learned the dangers of being an ostrich. You just get run over by either the next ostrich or worse, a lorry. When there is a moving on in someone’s world or over the whole damn world, those who freeze will not survive. I know many of my ageless age who say they are glad they are old, and I have said it myself, but once I thought that through, I pulled up my head and looked around.

I cannot stop what is happening, and, by the way, nor can anyone. This is not an ending. To watch the news every day only hurts the watcher because I never do and it is all happening to me as well. My mind is clear, my limbs old, my usefulness……..? Good hesitation there. What is my usefulness? A simple question and a sort of park bench reflective moment. Elucidation, the light moment. In my community, within my family and wide circle of friends, I can bring some light. How do I do that? Oh, not with wise words, not with uplifting nonsense, not when they may well be downed as starving rivers, carving whatever path they can through red sand valleys just to get somewhere that isn’t here. Not that. So what is my call? What is my walk when false eluctation will only result in a turnaway?

To remember the magic, that’s it. There are children here still with unicorns and stars in their eyes. And not just the children. We all have a choice here. We moan and groan, grow grey and shallow, lightless and downturned, or we rise to this. We’ve done it before, after all. Perhaps we just need reminding.

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Island Blog – Betty’s Bay and Baboon Balls

We walked this morning through the fynbos and down the wide open beach. There is something so recognisable about the Atlantic Ocean, something to do with my history and the breakers high and white with spindrift. The smell of salt and seaweed floats around and through us as we walk over a spread of bleached pebbles and shells that sparkle like jewels. In the shallows, vast tracts of floating kelp sway and lift as sunlight catches each rise, turning the mass into moulten gold. The fynbos is almost done with flowering now, as Autumn moves closer, but still some tiny flowers spread their petals wide, purple, scarlet, butter yellow, blue and spindrift white. We follow tiny sand-ways, curving this way and that, narrow and respectful, for this expanse of life is both protected and essential for all of us, breathing with us, and, unlike us, lifting goodness into the air.

Behind the house, huge mountains climb into the sky. This is where the baboons live, whole troupes of them. It is completely possible to live alongside such animals providing you don’t go out leaving a window open. Nobody does it twice, for they will wreck a house in search of something to eat. We talk of those who would like them eradicated, those who own a schmancy elevated beach front house but visit twice a month. Those who live here have learned baboon lessons and would never leave a window open when going out. There is, in short, a mutual acceptance between the species which, in my opinion, is most gracious of the baboons, because this land was exclusively theirs once. We are the invaders who dug up the precious fynbos and closed the land shut with concrete driveways and big fat holiday homes, with high fences and entitlement, fast roads and supermarkets.

Back home for coffee on the stoep, a huge male baboon leapt easily onto the roof. We quickly moved the dogs indoors and closed the door. He swivelled around to eye us. We eyed him back. Perched on a roof strut, he yawned wide and scratched his balls as if in comment. Then, with a leap, he was gone, back into the fynbos.

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Island Blog – The Astonishment

That’s one hec of a word. If I’m honest, I am fonder of short words that snap at me, tell me sharp, done. I remember in class, English Language my absolute favourite, yawning at long words. It was as if they couldn’t find their way until some guru/literary someone brought them into land. I have learned since then, shed my sass and arrived in the wonderful world of wordage. I muck about with it all the time, play with timbre, new lingos, new words for so many things. And so much lifts me into astonish. An elevation, a wow, a pause, a gasp and then I come to land. That land for me, in this new language, of fast move, of AI, of shifts in schooling, of restrictions, controls and of governmental appalisims, I can still be astonished at the wonders of a life.

Twinkles of time in a car ride for fuel, a catch of talkshare.

That lift when someone really looks at me and wants to know the rest.

I’m going here, for nothing much. Want to come?

My step granddaughter sending me an I Love You WhatsApp

Mimi, who cleans my room, every day, saying, I Love You Mama.

One of my kids sending a voice mail.

A sudden change in anything. I feel it like an animal would.

astonishment.

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Island Blog – Think Switch

We do it all the time, or I do. I think we all do. We in a situation that isn’t quite how we thought it might be: Please excuse my Africaans ‘we’ without the ‘are’ bit. A think switch. Perhaps it’s in the translation. I just hear it and adapt, even me, the English language corrector. And there’s another switch, because language conjoins and evolves and there are words, phrases, commas and hyphens which, even now, confabulate me. Once, they were sediment to my lift of words. Now, the ground is uneven, soggy and beneficent, once I think switch. New growth appears, like spring green shoots, leaves I cannot name, leaves seeking the sun, just like me.

In this turmoil, and it is turmoil, I have opinions. They’re like rocks in an ocean of fire. I don’t know much, but I do feel it, the war cry, the rise of fear, the way many think it will never really come to anything. I am no longer a linguist because language changes by the minute. I don’t want war, not for anyone. I don’t support oppression, domination, all those things. But, in the skinny place of me, with a voice, and I do have that, I do have a choice, a think switch, and that will be my thread of connection.

When you go down to the streets, the reality of life lorn, life lived, life downed and shunned and ignored, meet someone. We have marched too long ignoring, eyes averted, fear driven, those of us who own things, homes, jobs. Time to connect. Do we ever actually look at another? Do we?

Language changes, shifts, twists, commas skitter off like trips, but we are are all humans looking for connection. And it does take a think switch. Black, white, coloured, mixed race, gay, lesbian, trans,bi,queer.

In the turmoil of my teenage years, I found safety and fun with those who made me think switch, and, I confess, I was firstborn, white, middle class and protected from everything. But, over life I have made my own shifts. And whenever I sense a roadblock, an old way of thinking rising like a twangle over flowing water, I recognicise.

That’s a made up word, by the way.

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Island Blog – GR Attitude

My kids have left for their anniversary celebration. 12 years, years of bumps and scratches, hatch plans, falls, lifts and a growing commitment. I hear it in their interactions, the way they share, the way they know each other, feel each other. 12 years, a beginning and a good one. It thinks me about beginnings because they come at us all the way through life. I hear conversations about perimenopause. Such a strange word and an even stranger beginning. I can hear that it feels like an ending which, I guess, it is, but it is also a beginning. To be free of all that monthly stuff, albeit eventually, sounds like a relief to me. I see skin smooth on beautiful faces, legs and arms and hear the whimper in the revelation of a few lines around the eyes. Later, in private, I see my own wrinkles, flipping tons of them, face, lips, arms and more, and I laugh. I have taught myself to see this aging process as a funny thing, because, let’s face it, it is funny. As gravity claims a body, and I speak as a woman who once was firm, who once could be certain that, with each step forward, the whole of her would land on the next. And that laughs me too, as I swither and caution myself, or is it ‘selfs,’ down hillsides, up high steps, across dips on the track. I am olding but I am not done yet, for there is beauty in this beginning, this olding, and the one who really needs to see that is me.

My eyebrows have all but disappeared. I used to colour them in, but just looked like a clown. It is impossible to get them both perfect. One is, the other looks like a starving caterpillar no matter what I do with my brush or pencil. And so, I stop. I know I have eyebrows and others who frankly give a damn will also know this and can probably see them, unlike me, even through bottle-glass specs. My face is still my face but now eyes are a bit sunk and my mouth is a thin line, no canvas for lipstick. And, I really don’t mind any of it, because here’s the thing. I am mobile, lithe, able and I have marbles aplenty. What is not to be grateful for? And that is my daily thankyou. I have what many don’t have, health, strength, determination, attitude, family, friends, community. I have my home, security, warmth, choices, laughter in my eyes and heart, a sense of fun, a love of people and moments. In all of these I forget completely how I look, whether or not I stumble or what mistakes I have made, the things I forgot, the way I tell the story again and to the same person.

I decide to be thankful and, more, to show, to live out daily gratitude for who I am, the life I have lived, the gains and the losses, the failures, successes and joys, the mistakes which learned me, the awful clothes I bought online and couldn’t send back because they came, way too late, from China, and so much more. When I live this way, very little phases me because none of it is about me, but only my attitude to it all. I may growl, I may, but the laugh comes in super quick. We have one life, that we know of. And every single day is a beginning.