I used to be lonely, and for years, not just after himself took off to the stars, although that sideswiped. me a ton truck more than I had expected. When you care for a partner, and for so very long, you can find yourself wanting it to end.

I used to envy oldies like me walking past my island home holding hands and actually talking happily together. I used to slow down, to tackle any task wounting my steps, pausing a lot. Any task would have taken me five minutes plus a bit in the past. But the past is gone and I am very changed. Most of that change is olding, and we all face that, in time, but there is a lift and lift of responsive changeability, which kind of implies I did the changing myself. I did. I knew I didn’t want to hover over the past, wishing a load of shit away. I knew, instead, that I wanted to be someone, be something, no matter any demise, any trauma, any loss. And, the answer was/is simple. I hate that because it isn’t. However, over the last six odd years, suddenly alone and not just in the death of himself, but of my family leaving the island, I have learned much. Actually this learning thing has surprised me with its results. It seems to me that, by just a gentle daily practice with intention, a whole. way of seeing and believing shifts like something underwater and unseen.

I. wanted. to decide I was perfectly okay with all those happy lives around me. I wanted not to feel lonely and. definitely not needy., but a decision like that has. no legs because it’s all about willpower, and mine is floppy. I don’t know when I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, to question my going out there among friends with a rictus smile, the great pretender. But I do. remember. hiding, facing nothing, living in minutes, filling in hours, drudging my days. And at some point I found light, just a twinkle, a tiny something that lifted my. heart, made me smile. Could. have been a. hug that was real, a hold. Could have been the stranger who wanted to chat in the veg. section of Dugie’s. Could have. been a kindness on the road to a dentist appointment. I don’t remember.

When the whatever began it showed as faith in humanity. I felt seen and heard. I mattered, and that made me ‘matter’ up. I began. to appear, to rock up, to step up. Now I work, now I walk, now I see couples go by hand in hand and wave and smile and wish them a wonderful evening. Now I feel that I miss nothing at all. I can embrace those slow minutes and, when I put on tunes, can dance through rooms that hold only happy memories. I remember so much now that my mind is rid of all that angst. The key for me is thankfulness. When I wake, whatever the striations of the night, I greet the dawn with a thankyou. As I go through my day I thank and allow. The things that irritate are only there when we feel like confronting. If we don’t, if we just back up, back down. then I recommend the peace that comes from that decision. Everyone has a tough life.

This takes a decision and practice and a lot ot Time. They say Time is an illusion. I like them.

My kids have left for their anniversary celebration. 12 years, years of bumps and scratches, hatch plans, falls, lifts and a growing commitment. I hear it in their interactions, the way they share, the way they know each other, feel each other. 12 years, a beginning and a good one. It thinks me about beginnings because they come at us all the way through life. I hear conversations about perimenopause. Such a strange word and an even stranger beginning. I can hear that it feels like an ending which, I guess, it is, but it is also a beginning. To be free of all that monthly stuff, albeit eventually, sounds like a relief to me. I see skin smooth on beautiful faces, legs and arms and hear the whimper in the revelation of a few lines around the eyes. Later, in private, I see my own wrinkles, flipping tons of them, face, lips, arms and more, and I laugh. I have taught myself to see this aging process as a funny thing, because, let’s face it, it is funny. As gravity claims a body, and I speak as a woman who once was firm, who once could be certain that, with each step forward, the whole of her would land on the next. And that laughs me too, as I swither and caution myself, or is it ‘selfs,’ down hillsides, up high steps, across dips on the track. I am olding but I am not done yet, for there is beauty in this beginning, this olding, and the one who really needs to see that is me.

My eyebrows have all but disappeared. I used to colour them in, but just looked like a clown. It is impossible to get them both perfect. One is, the other looks like a starving caterpillar no matter what I do with my brush or pencil. And so, I stop. I know I have eyebrows and others who frankly give a damn will also know this and can probably see them, unlike me, even through bottle-glass specs. My face is still my face but now eyes are a bit sunk and my mouth is a thin line, no canvas for lipstick. And, I really don’t mind any of it, because here’s the thing. I am mobile, lithe, able and I have marbles aplenty. What is not to be grateful for? And that is my daily thankyou. I have what many don’t have, health, strength, determination, attitude, family, friends, community. I have my home, security, warmth, choices, laughter in my eyes and heart, a sense of fun, a love of people and moments. In all of these I forget completely how I look, whether or not I stumble or what mistakes I have made, the things I forgot, the way I tell the story again and to the same person.

I decide to be thankful and, more, to show, to live out daily gratitude for who I am, the life I have lived, the gains and the losses, the failures, successes and joys, the mistakes which learned me, the awful clothes I bought online and couldn’t send back because they came, way too late, from China, and so much more. When I live this way, very little phases me because none of it is about me, but only my attitude to it all. I may growl, I may, but the laugh comes in super quick. We have one life, that we know of. And every single day is a beginning.