Sounds dodgy, but only if I consider mind control as to be in someone else’s hands and not in my own. But the key, I am learning, is for me to control my mind all by myself. That way nobody else ever gets access. As a creative I am hyper sensitive to my own self-doubt, particularly when it is reflected in another person’s opinion clearly stated, sounding, at best, as a confirmation of my own lack, and, at worst, the truth, one I sincerely hoped was nothing of the sort.
A creative, and there are millions of us, may not realise that this is in their DNA, in their very heart and soul. If such a creature has had the crazy knocked into shape over decades, perhaps from childhood on, it is quite understandable that the process of natural development has been stopped with the dam of authority, each little trickle of escape allowed to dry up under the fierce sun of control. We think we are dangerous because that is what we have been repeatedly told. We are possessed by some evil genie, unable to guide ourselves, untrustworthy if left to our own devices, something we are rarely left to, if at all. No surprise, then, that we default into adulthood wearing all the wrong clothes, learning the wrong things, thinking conflicting thoughts and always exhausted at the fight of it all.
However, there is good news. If a creative can find just a teensy bit of self-love and build on it through careful and mindful study and research, it is entirely possible to regain the self. I know because, even at 66, I am doing just that. I have found a wonderful guide in Daily OM (Google it) and am discovering that the ‘naughty’ and ‘difficult’ child I was is still available to me and still looking for affirmation and support. I had learned long ago about the importance of re-loving that little girl and had brushed it away as so much nonsense. How on earth can re-loving a girl, long lost to me, bring me fulfilment and peace of mind? I think, as is so often the case, that I imagined it to be hippy fluff and candles and essential oils burning in grates with no real application for the now. I know, now, that it is simples. What I was doing was bringing the same critical assessment to the thought of such a process as had my parents, friends, teachers, husband and the rest of the world. But if I just let that little lonely girl walk into my mind whenever she wants, merely observing her, then all I want to do is play. In other words making it fun, light and fresh and spontaneous.
We take the world, ourselves, way too seriously, as if life is a test and as if it matters more than anything that we impress others, look good, sound like a success, know exactly where we are going. If I throw all of that out the window, how do I feel now? A bit like a weirdo at first. After all, here I stand on the inside of me having just chucked out everything I ever learned from the guides in my life. I stop and look around. There is no clutter holding me back from forward motion. But which way is forward? If I walk this way, is this forward, or it forward behind me, beside me?
I don’t know and saying I Don’t Know, doesn’t sound all that scary. Allowing myself to begin again might sound like that’s my last marble lost and it may well be true. But if all I need to do to free myself from the mind control of others, and, if I have never done this before, then I need to give it a go because it is high flipping time I found out who I really am beyond the reflection of myself in others’ eyes.
Sounds like delicious chaos to me. I am going to walk back along that river flow until I find my source, not the one I was told was mine, but the one that frees me once and for all, the one that lifts me in a burst of sunshine fun. It will have nothing to do with worldly success or worldly failure. It will bear no relation to my financial state, the shape of my body or the way I eat spaghetti. It won’t be aggressive, defensive or compliant. It will be kind and loving to others as I always want to be and as I believe I am deep inside my core. Instead of saying ‘I have no chance, I will now say something like I have no socks, or I have no bananas. Everything changes with one word.
But, first, it will be me learning to love me. Me and that little lonely girl.