nature

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Island Blog – A Curve of Change and Beacons

I’m watching my tulips, a huge vase of them, a gift from a friend, curve into fingers of fire. Others might have thrown them out days ago but I like to notice change and its effects, so they remain, still wild with colour, but obviously existing in the end days. Do they still have a voice, something to say? I think so. In the sky the clouds move fast like a conjoining of grey-haired line dancers full of gin. Today, yet another big gale was all about push, like a bully, without care for the lids of my wheelies, the cancellation of all ferries, of no mail, no deliveries, the village shop scanty on all the expected usuals. The rain pelted and I didn’t walk. I watched, from the goldfish bowl of my very obvious conservatory, those who did. I could hear them crackling by, all waterproofed, all with dogs. There’s a kind of ‘have to’ about dogs no matter the weather. Although I have always refused any noisy clothing, just fine about getting soaked, I regret not getting out there. It was cold, the wind full of teeth and menace. However, I know that, had I got out there, smelled the wild, soaked myself, been buffeted beneath very compromised trees, watched the uplift of wind over tide, the upsurge of startled water, I would have engaged with the change. It thinks me.

In less than a week, I will be in South Africa. Am I anxious about the journey, the airport overwhelm, the weather, the ferry situation? Hell Yes. But my thoughts on these are just thoughts, my feelings understandable and still just feelings. It is how I deal with my fear of change, over most of which I have no control at all, which will matter. Matter…….sounds like someone who makes mats, as a Hatter makes hats. Sorry, wordal irrelevance. In any life there is always a surprising element of control, not over anyone else, nor over everything, but over self, over me, oh definitely yes. My response to fear, to a scary change, will shift the whole dynamic. Not like a bullying wind but more as a gentle turnaway. The anxiety comes in. I gently whisper, and I do, and out loud, I See You, but You are not Helpful to me. Please Go. And then I find a Thank you, for something, anything and the list builds itself.

Everything passes, the good and the scary, the gales and the calms, the good days and the not so good, the seasons, the daily round and its upsets, the friendships, the losses, the changes. Like the line dancing clouds, it all moves on, has done for millennia. We just need to accept and to dance on, in the rain, through the shite, bright as beacons, because we all are. Beacons.

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Island Blog – Middlemoon Smile and a Skinny Life

I love the middlemoon, the calm of waters and the gentling of skies, the chiaroscuro, the huge pines on the shore standing tall and unskittered. Birds can fly wing forward, scooping the air into helpful bundles of energy instead of backflipping onto bird feeders, thus sending them way beyond pendulum security. In short there’s a lot of wheeching going on when the full and new moon takes control. Life is just like this, I tell Jock the Blackbird as he flips and holds onto the seed tray, skidding somewhat and sending a shower of seed into the ether. There’ll be a few unsterilised seeds. grabbing the chance to root and grow and I’ll not be knowing what the hec this green thing is, come late Spring, and I will suddenly know and smile at this tiny opportunist. Again, this is life. The storms come, the dark holds like being inside a dustbin bag but someone, one someone is patient. A random thing happens, a blackbird skid, something, and that someone grabs at skinny life, no promise of success nor growth. So what is that energy, coming from nowhere, from somewhere?

My belief is that it isn’t planned. There is an extraordinary strength in all living things, not just fight or flight, and not calculated as some do, watching the stock market, pursuing business ideas, believing that to be financially wealthy will bring comfort and security. Live long enough and know that there is neither in the accumulation of money. It helps, yes, but never will it fill the human void. The random catch of opportunity, being open and aware and ready for the upset of moons will always bring growth, the ask to be spontaneous, to listen to hunches and random thoughts, to not explain them away,but to just go and to risk the wrong direction and then to try another one. Laughter and fun, work and focus, family and friends, food and sharing, listening and hearing, supporting and making hard choices. These are life skills and sustainable. I say ‘skills’ because they need honing and they need a ‘becoming’. They make us feel whole and a part of somethings and someones.

The birds fed in calm today, no skidding. There was rain, of course, but the land was at ease, the trees unskittled. There is no visible moon so the cloudal shift is light-blown and soft as wool, grey and light grey and white and off white and barely moving. That’s a rare for them. I can hear them snoring. This middling is short term. It won’t last and nor it should because that is life. If it was always easy on us we would never appreciate anything. We need the beginnings, middles and ends in order to grow into ourselves. It isn’t always pleasant but when I remember the rocks and the climbs and the falls and the fails and the sharps and the joys and the sunlight and the soft and the way I learned to grab opportunity, I smile.

I unloaded and stacked a ton of firewood today, aware as I always am of fumbly fingers, the way I can no longer grab as I once did and accepting, once I get through the fury of such a decline. After all, I want to do this for myself, not giving in to the dark thoughts. I listen to an uplifting audio story. as I climb onto the window seat to re-hang a heavy curtain. I check something on my car computer which tells me my engine is in trouble and here I meet a temptation. I could ignore it but I won’t ignore it because my wonderful Pixty Forkov is my freedom, my independence. Still, for seconds, the ‘Oh Whatever’ in me is loud in my ears because the complications of life are more tiring now. But NO, NO, I will not listen. I contact the garage and I get this response. ‘Hi Judy, we can fit you in on Wednesday next (tricky as I have commitments, but wait…) and someone can pick up your car early, delivering it back in the late afternoon. That ok? Hell Yes. My life is not skinny, even if I am. My life is my community, support, friendship and warmth.

I had my beginning, or so I thought but these beginnings keep beginning. I am not sequestered, not excluded, not abandoned, not that I ever really thought I was, but so many do. Thing is to keep moving on, or keep buggering on, in love and giving and being seen and dressing up and showing up and arriving alltimes in fun and playfulness. Maybe that;s how the moon feels at times.

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Island Blog – How to look Wandered

As I walk today in sunlight and through the surprise of too much hat, scarf/gloves because the air is light and kind, I slow my pace. When I walk with some others I have noticed a march thing going on with them. Now that I am older and with a far greater hold on self confidence, I question the rush. Look at that stone, I say, pointing. I wonder how old it is, how it got here, who lifted it, who placed it? A high tide, the fall of a huge pine, the aggressive and thoughtless shove from a digger bucket? How does it feel sitting here? By this time, as you might imagine, I am paper-clipped over said stone and they are already well into next week. But my curiosity does halt them and that is enough. Their much younger lives are driven after all, and time is short and this stone is just this stone. As I unbend myself I do remember that, initially, I had to decide to slow my pace, so ingrained in me, in us all perhaps, is the need to move along and fast because the early bird, the front runner, the winner, the best are always the ones who get the prize, who hold the rosette, the cup, the shield and the love of endless unknown others. It is no surprise to me that half the frickin world is lost in transit.

I am lucky, I know, priveleged, fortunate, pick your own definition of the same thing. Through all I have learned in a long life, the strubbles and pixellations, the divides, whole maps burned like witches, no visible paths in sight, I know who I am and that’s a big thing. However, a far bigger thing is to be happy with that. It demands to be lived out. Decisions and deliberations are required, new ones, fences built and taken down, timings altered not faltered, responses re-enacted, twirled into coils and pulled into different shapes. An outside reaction is not important, nor relevant, not if a soul wants identity. Work is a daily whatnot, and there, I did it, introducing fun. Everything, and everyone, is so serious now and it shows in faces, in eyes and droops and stoops and with a complete lack of whoops. When does someone stop whooping? I can whoop over a plate of strangled eggs. (family word) and maybe there’s another thing. In my family, as my bajonkers feral children blundered their way through their ‘formative’ years, we played, with words, with moments, with opportunities. I found it exhausting, even though I was a co-initiator in the chaotic nonsense of a wild life on the tip of forever or nowhere and in the storm face of the great Atlantic but I could be no other way and nor could he, well mostly, and I am glad of it. There was always a jump and frisk in my head, still is, more so now, now that I am free to decide my way.

I didn’t wander in those days. Who ever does when bills need paying, work demands its daily tuppence? I marched, I did, saw nothing, noticed no stones, never heard the stories from the ancient rocks, the pine trees, nothing beyond the need to get to school on time and back again on time to prep for a 16 dinner sitting plus collies to feed, five kids and various other helpers, fires to light, and the so on kept this so on thing endlessly. I could lose my funthink, and did. Now, with all those incredible memories flying about me like birds, I can wander. I know who I am now. No, that’s not true. I always knew but was waiting for permission to consolidate my knowing . Never going to happen. How to look wandered describes a person who knows who they are and who is still curious about the next bit.

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Island Blog – A Barrel of Soil

Sometimes I can sit watching wallpaper, times I feel I am looking out through shutters, thin pencils of light, bodies moving by in a glimpse of swish and fabric, the lift of laughter, a catch of words shared close like comfort. Baubles in the dark, a winter of the soul. Sometimes. Not all the time. And, if everyone is ever honest, so does everyone. We just don’t talk about it. So not British. It is as if we would rather pretend we are always ‘fine’. which is ridiculous because the effort required to sustain such an elevation is impossible.

Talking of effort and elevation, I met them both in an old dustbin half full of soil. Two mice. They will have been drawn in by my spill of bird seed some days ago, hungry. They could slide in, easy, but the plastic and perpendicular walls proffering the out of in will have outwitted them. As I filled feeders a morning or two ago, I saw a flash of movement and focussed. They looked up, big brown eyes, stilled in question. Oh dear, I said, softly. They showed me a load of jumping and failing. I noticed a wee circle of cooried earth where they just might have rested and it smiled me, the resourcefulness. Everyone needs a wee rest after a deal of futile jumping. The first time I found them, I lifted and lugged the heavy bin out to the garden, tipping gently until the pair of them slid unto safety. Good, I thought. All done I thought. This morning the pair of them were back having learned nothing at all and I told them so, albeit sotto voce. Then I realised something. This is ongoing. They are cold. I have seed. They are looking. They are dynamic survivors. In my own home there is evidence of mice and I have no fear of that. A new hole in a carpet against the skirting. A skitter in the night. Not new for a farmer’s wife/widow. I don’t like it, but it is as it is. So I found a piece of old wood and canted it like a ladder so the mice can escape. They did. It thinks me.

In the sometimes of shutters and striations of light and winters, when we might be looking out and seeing only slivers of life, it might be time to notice, even as the critics tick like clocks on speed in a mind. We forget to rest at all in this cultural and manic rush for success (which means money) success elevated in entirely the wrong place. It is people who matter, kindness twogether (hallo new word). It’s conversation in a shop, a queue, a train station. It’s a removal of earpods and ears open. It’s about looking about without fear and noticing this old man over there, the tricky issue this woman is having with her big suitcase, the problem this mother or father is having with a double buggy and a noisy dog. It’s about putting aside a personal agenda and actually engaging with living, loving, lost and friendless humans. It’s about sharing meals, inviting in. It’s about risking a dirty mark on the carpet of a sterile life. My generation lived this way. I am hopeful, as are those wee mice in my barrel of soil.

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Island Blog – A Beautiful Share

It’s damn cold here, like freezeballs. A rarety for the West Coast where, to date, and over Sinkturies we have enjoyed endless rainfall, no floods thanks to upthrust rock formations and a very nearby Atlantic, happy to take on the slew and the wild of overexcited burns, rivers, swamps, bogs, lost wellies and various other waterswingles. T’was the island way. My kids made sure one wellie always got oopsed off some boat, some pier. We knew nothing of ocean plastic pollution back then in the 70’s. I wish we had because we met that problem so very often as we tracked and studied marine mammals and the unintended but immense blockages in their natural flow. I do remember the cold back then, but it was wild cold, the one you always meet out at sea when the wild is biting your face off and the swipe of waval spume would threaten your balls, if you had them. Out there, the fishers, they face a supreme cold. There is nought between their boat and the Antarctic blow, the wind snap from the East, North. A load of winds, cold, colluding, dynamic in what they decide. I’m not saying the weather chooses menace. It may sound that I do.

But that all thinks me as I shiver my way into a shower in a cold bathroom, slipping off clothes I don’t really want to slip off. My home is warm, yes. But this cold is new. I remember it and for 15 long winters on Tapselteerie, when ice frosted the insides of all windows with spectacular art and the iced carpet, about 3 feet beyond the frost catch, and when I just wanted to shout a load of abuse at the Winter King. This bit thinks me. The ones who live in places I don’t know, now I am warm. We change our levels of acceptability as we move on. I know it. I lived under a minus 3 all flipping winter. No hot water, mice everywhere, five kids, five vibrant and wild kids, not enough food, a load of making something out of nothing, their laughter, their spin, their don’t care about a lamb in the hypothermic oven, the calf in a nest around the aga, warm lamp lit. They slept through our wakening.

I remember a night, dark, no lights, no warmth. Hallo you, I said. I’d come down to make a cup of tea, sleep too cold for sticking. Me too, he said. I think I lit a candle. We toasted cups. Fuck the cold, I said, and we laughed a beautiful share.

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Island. Blog – It Rains Down and Big Red

Well, obviously, although on the island it can shoot up your trouser legs, nae problem. I used to take it personally, on Tapselteerie days when it was my turn to quad myself out to the arse of beyond pulling a trailer of sheep food. The mud threw up shoulders of peaty mud just for me, ridging with a ‘let’s tip her’ thing. It was a heavy quad, right enough, a solid beast with attitude and held together by rust and bloody-mindedness. She lives on although the demands on her have changed. Now she. is just a Wahooo for kids and grandkids as they break the speed limit and probably challenge the sound barrier as they skideroo around the estate which, thankfully, is no longer ours. Now it is a beautiful place to wander through, old pines, beeches, bent-backed hazels, birches, all telling their stories of how damn tough it was to find the light, to survive. Some are so twisted, they’re feral, corcksrewing out and then up, seeing a chance. Such patience, such syncreticity. We can all learn from that, the willingness to enter a dynamic and to gently, softly and with intent, find our way into the light.

I went to UFOs today. UFO stands for Un Finished Objects, a crafting, artistic group, the chance to coffee up, cake up and to gather around a table in someone’s home. Around this table we talk, about our lives, our stuff, our worries, concerns and planned adventures. We reassure, kid on, tease, laugh and sympathise. In turning up we meet the unknown, even as we all, intentionally or otherwise, bring our own daily scrabbles into the light. We redimensionize. It doesn’t take away from our own angst, just re-jigs it, thinks us in a safe place. A shinglestropper. Think on this word. Not mine but that son of mine who is definitely related to Roald Dahl, Dr Zeuss and Terry Pratchett, not that I personally knew any of those men. Walking over Shingle……..can be tough if the Atlantic has anything to do with it. Stropper, strong, elevated, in control, as in the right shingle boots and with a good hold on the sky. So descriptive.

Back to the sheep. I head out in a circular rain with intent. Ridges, done that bit. I race through growly Galloway cows (don’t try it) who, or is it which, have all decided they were, in fact, sheep. After opening and closing endless gates, soaking like a ginner each time, and shouting them off, because, and you may not know this, a gather of Galloways is much like facing a brick wall with the thrust and speed and malevolence of a tsunami. Okay, so through the angry unfed cows, all chasing me to the next gate and through to the next, I do confess a doubt or six at my choice to become a farmer’s wife. Heading for the sheep, all baa-ing and sweet and completely manageable, I offload barley straw, cake (not our cake) and stand a minute as their heads dunk into the troughs. I look out. I can see the beyond of forever out there, the sea lashing the ancient rocks, the sky, wide with clouds and strata and greys and flips and shapes and big conversations and I am drenched. I have no idea how to turn Big Red around, not with a trailer and those humpy ridges. But as I head for home I just know. I don’t want to live anywhere else.

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Island Blog – The Fly, the Mouse, the Rat and School the Next Day

An eclectic combo, I’ll give you that. They all arrived today, slotting neatly into my log. I should, perhaps, give some background. It begins with the mouse. For decades I have dealt with mice indoors, scrabbling through the scuts of plaster behind the walls, making innapropriate homesteads in my halloween of a loft, helping themselves to lagging, which no respectful neighbour would ever consider, and diddling through and over my frypan cupboard. The last is unacceptable. However, I am no killer and that’s the tricky bit, but there is also in me a refusal against invasion. I have seen myself, in my wild pioneer dream, as a woman who would stand against invaders. They weren’t mice, of course, but big fighty men with bludgeons, no compassion and with a determination to take over the homestead, one fixed lightly down in a rickety space where wolves and bears, snakes and marauders were as regular as clockwork and the neighbours 20 miles away on horseback.

There was a housefly, no, two, on my window, and they aren’t the only ones to get stuck against glass, banging themselves into failure and refusing to be caught and freed. It’s late for them, so they are slow, but a slow fly is not slow at all. the gymnastics are impressive. I know they will die out there in the torrent of cold rain, the freeze of the night, but, if I can, I will ding about with a tea towel, catch them soft and let them go. Not so the mice. Oh, I have done, in the past, long past, humane traps and they are a laugh because unless you take the sweating and terrified mouse at least 3 miles away from your home, their home, they just return. Poison is not an option, although I tried it once when the mouse invasion was so alarming as to be overwhelming, and the way it takes them is slow and horrific. So, I set a trap in my frypan cupboard.

The first morning, I can barely look. It takes hours before I can brace my pioneer self, she who has seen dead everything, including humans in this wild place, and check. Clean, gone. I am no killer but and but again. This is my space, not yours. The next check was a little easier, the one after, ok and now it is normal. I am not immune to it, to finding a life gone, but I am easier in my skin. It will go on because they are hungry and it is winter beginnings. And I know this place. I know that creatures will come in to the warmth. I remember it when we lived wilder, on Tapselteerie, when it was normal for me, for my kids, to welcome in the coldings. We couldn’t save them, but we gave food and warmth for a while. We didn’t have rats in the house, and. I am thankful, but they were in the byre and the barns. I have only met one once and its confidence terrified me.

I was staying overnight with a schoolfriend on her parents farm. I was under 12 and not a good guest in that I had no experience of country life at that point and had yet to connect with the wild in me. In short, I was scared of it all, the confidence of my friend, the way she swung from ropes in the barn, danced among the pigs, marched confidently into a map of cows, pushing at their flanks when they growled at her, shouting words and laughter. I was put to bed in a cold room with damp sheets and the dark was immediate when the light was turned off, although I had my wee torch. I lay there, tried to sleep and it took ages. I felt something heavy move over my feet, jerked up awake, flicked on my torch and the movement stopped. Two bright eyes clocked mine. A big rat looked at me from the end of my bed, I felt it’s weight on my feet. A second, and it was gone. I yelled. People say they scream, but they don’t. They yell. Someone adult came. I wan’t to go home, I sobbed. Insisted, despite reassurances that the rat had gone. My dad came. We drove the miles home. It was almost morning. I was never asked about my trauma, only told, in a kindly way, that I was over reacting.

School on Monday was interesting.

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Island Blog – Bend or Break

I’m watching my candles, the flames going sideways, even in a triple-glazed home, for which I am so very thankful. At Tapselteerie there was more winter and wind inside that huge house than was absolutely necessary. We felt that wind shooting up our pyjama bottoms, even under six duvets, and outside, well, the outside would try to strip the skin of us, as it did the tiles, roofs, guttering, even uplifting trees, flagstones, sheds and more. I am thankful I don’t live there any more, even as I love it, the estate, with my heart in agreement because of all the memories. My time there was. then, and I was the right woman to live with those situations. I was bendy, like a candle flame, still burning, like a tree dancing in a gale and still able to survive the demands of that dance floor, no falling.

It thinks me. How bendy we are, or aren’t. If life is easy, there is no learning, no chance to discover what we can survive. Actually I don’t like that word. It is over-used and it still isn’t enough in the celebration of those who actually made use of the thing they moved through in a proactive decision to make a change, to live better. If someone has met a horror and who has got through it, yes, as best they could, battling through the explosion of it, and who has then, once the shock reaction has been made into a new road ahead, has stepped out, stronger and wiser. It might be ‘I’m not going through this again.’ It might be ‘I will have to go through this again, but next time I will respond as a different person because you can’t stand in the same river twice.’ The waters move on, the days, weeks, months move on. I have moved on.

When storms come, without or within, they are mostly a shock, a gasp, but we learn, those of us who want to, the whos of us who refuse to be defined, declined; the ones who just know they can difference a situation next time, whether through attitude, if no structural nor physical change is possible, or through the invitation of change. It doesn’t matter which. Either is power. I live with this as a strength, a personal strength. Everyone has angst, problems, issues, troubles, border flops in certain conditions and with certain others, in lifestyles gone into big question marks, in work choices, in bloody everything. Either we bend, or we break. That’s it, pretty much.

I know about this. Perhaps it’s an olding thing, a curveball thrown at the break, the angst, the La La of the whatever of whatever. It comes back to me, and it could, if it would, fix me in chains I will not accept. I will bend, not break. There is no ageing in living beyond the year count. There is only the choice to frick it all and to learn, and to choose again.

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Island Blog – Shambles

Rhymes with brambles. They’re all gone now, obviously, blackbirds, robins, mice, people, sharp still. You don’t mess with brambles, not here. Sheep can die in the twist-hold of brambles, thorn sharp and clutching. However this is not about brambles. The rhyming thing just a rhyming thing, even as it thinks me about life, about lives, because a bramble sharp and clutch can hesitate, at best, a life. Or, it could lead to shambles, chaos, confusion, as if a dense wood just marched around a person, those huge darkening trees, stealing all the light, predatory.

I know this place well, although the darkening trees change. It’s still dark and the consistent thing is me, alone, cold, lost in the forest. Been there, seen the nowhere, got caught in the brambles but I am no sheep, and that’s the change in this, the invitation to freedom. Me. You. In the dark, it is compelling, stay here, stay here. You can’t see anything. It’s so very capsulate, almost safe. We need light, even unlight, any light. And what we need is recognition from someone we respect. that may sound frivolous, as it did in my young days when no man would/could ever say more than Well Done with a shoulder slap, moving on quickquick in case he was questioned. They needed it, and we thought we needed it. However, in the we, the we of the long ago, when men took liberties most of us will never talk about, it felt like we had to be ok with the falsehood. But now, in this open age, when what I accepted through fear is no longer acceptable, I, who allowed am still looking for a someone who just gets me, who recognises what I have done, who I am with no skimming, no polite flapping of hands, but someone who says something that makes me stop dead. Someone saw me today. Someone recognised my talent. Someone who really knows, beyond my mum, my sister, my friend, not that I dismiss them, not at all, but this is a Someone in my climb out of the brambles, who smiles at my courage and bravery, who recognises my talent, my gift, my light, and that stops me. Not stuck in the thorns now, not confined but fired up, strong, actually believing in myself.

Just a few words of recognition that really land. Now, there’s a power.

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Island Blog – A Winter and the Unlight

It wasn’t at first, this morning, raining I mean. In fact it was light and brightish, although not the bright of summer. the sky an upload of smurr and cloud blobs looking depressed, buildings braced somehow on hilltops already a slipstick, for me anyway, the grass an already skid. The track potholes, recently filled with nasty grey sharps set the labradors a-shimmie as they navigated safe passage around them to avoid cut pads. We crunch on in protective boots, talking, checking the labs, looking out, looking up. This dimlight of winter, when skies proffer less, we humans miss the light of light. Although many talk of hibernation, we are not hedgehogs. Light is precious, not just a bit of it, but all of it and the intensity matters. It thinks me.

The thing about a lack of light, the rightlight over time, is that we don’t notice the happening of it. One morning, let’s say, we suddenly notice wrinkles, or sunken cheeks, and we astound. What on earth is this me looking back at me, she who for many months looked just fine? Winter is a baring. Winter isn’t the whole truth so don’t believe that. I, without makeup am a lizard right now, a cave dweller. It will pass. Ok, so that given, what do we do with the now of now? As the cold or the rain or both attempt to pound us into sludge creatures, we have a choice. We always do. And, by the way, anyone who says they don’t care about how they look in winter is lying.

I went out today to a Community Orchard Advent Thing. It was marvellous, everyone dressed, not for the Arctic, but for the Wet. Stalls proffering ideas and help on how to make natural decorations, pans frying bacon and sausage for rolls, hot punch provided, so many inventive ideas. I stayed a while, as many more arrived. Community brings a light to the unlight, and it matters. I forget how I look. Turning up, showing up is what matters and, as I left, passing others walking or driving in, umbrellas, waterproofs, it thought me this. Who gives a shit how I look? Answer? Nobody, because I came, and so did all the others living in the Unlight. That’s the way to navigate Winter.