Just before I meet a cross in the roads, I get what feels like indigestion. A friend of mine once called this state ‘The Churny Pits’, and it’s a pretty good description of the upsy-downsy state of my inner woman. Things I did up to this point seemed ok, if a little samey and ordinary, and I got on with them, in the main, with a positive attitude and a spring in my step, I waved my usual wave, bought my usual coffee at my usual place, arrived at my usual time, said the usual things, got on with my usual routine. But something is different. Each of these usual things feel empty – empty of life, as if I am acting out a role, one I have played for years and know off by heart.
For a while I ignore the unrest, gathering in the ‘usual’ closer to my chest, to keep it with me, for without it I might be nobody and, having been a nobody once before, I don’t plan on being one again. But it doesn’t work and soon those things that gave me my place in my own world, abandon me completely.
And then I stand at a crossroads I never asked for, never even considered was there in the first place. I can’t avoid it, not this time. It’s like finding a herd of elephants in the Fairy Woods, which, to be honest, has never even thrown up a fairy.
I know what all this means by now, although it has been no less uncomfortable in the gestation period, much like the onset of flu. This herd of elephants is here to tell me it is time to change direction, that Life has something in store for me, something up her sleeve and I can’t see it until I let go of the old and turn towards the new. It could be old thinking, old habits, old responses or it could be something bigger. The good news is that I won’t be asked for more than I can give, although my idea of what I am capable of is not necessarily all I am capable off, as has been clearly demonstrated to me more than once.
Sounds like a stretching opportunity cometh my way.
Well, I whine, from where I sit on the old couch in my old slippers with my usual cup of tea at the usual time……I would turn toward the new if someone would just show me where it is. I could waste weeks pounding up the wrong path, whether my boots were right for the task or not. Someone needs to tell me. I need hard facts, a good argument for this whole airy-fairy change thing. After all, how will the household bills be met, and what will the coffee vendor think and what will my children/husband/mother say?
Besides, I know nothing about this daft dream that’s been floating in my head for weeks now, months perhaps. What if it’s just a mini crisis, a temporary loss of balance, or even just indigestion?
Well, says Life to me, there is only one way to find out.