When I go anywhere I take me with me. Now I know that sounds, at best, numptyish, at worst psychotic, but I don’t mean it physically. It is obvious on a human level that I am pretty much stuck with me till death do us part. But the natural desire to escape my inner self, that part I cannot see, can sometimes overwhelm.
No-one admits to it of course. Well, it is possible to keep this tricky creature well and truly hidden, and for a whole lifetime if I so choose, which I do not. As I ‘open my heart’ to someone, I let them glimpse into my very soul. Sometimes it really helps. Sometimes I regret it. I can feel trampled.
As I skitter about the country on this new adventure, I can feel as light as a bird, catching a ride on the thermals, soaring through the clouds and into wide new skies, or I can feel like a desert tumbleweed with sand in my eyes till I’m blind.
What I have worked out is that it has less to do with whatever I meet on my journeys and everything to do with how I feel about me. Not in a ‘will I be good enough for them? sort of way, but more…’will I be good enough for me?
For it is always me who judges me, and my judge has a knife for a tongue. When I meet new people, they don’t hear my judge. In fact, if I was to tell them what she thinks of me, they would laugh out loud.
Now, if I, with all my confident energy, who can write, paint, sing and dance my life…..if I am still trying to co-ordinate the inside with the outside of me, in my final trimester, what on earth is it like for the rest of the world? And why is it we have this constant search for peace?
Well, I think it is what life is all about. I don’t think anyone has it sussed, lives a perfect life. I don’t believe in material wealth as the answer, nor academic brilliance. Most of us don’t remember those who made no impression on our lives, and remember clearly those who, through struggle, did something different, made something happen. These people, the ones we do remember had the same judge we all have. Some people call it the devil. Some people think it’s what they eat, or where they live, or who they live with, but I think we are all born with it all fankled up in our DNA and it’s quite impossible to hide from.
The good part of it tells us to be careful, to watch our step, to consider our actions. In balance this is all good. Out of balance, it becomes growing self-doubt, and, if we keep feeding it, it takes over our inner garden, rising high as weeds that eventually block out our sun.
What a waste.
Well….. I have said, What a waste to myself a million times and still crouched there behind the weeds, peering out at a passing crowd of confident others and snivelling into my pocket handkerchief.
Travelling through new lands I get time to think things through. I never thought anything through for decades as there was never more than five minutes available for such indulgence. But now, I can, and I do and its very exciting and encouraging, because I realise this.
It is never ever too late to begin again and I begin with one conscious decision.
To get on with it.
To thank the judge for her protective presence, but to take charge of her. To listen, but to respond with confidence. When she tuts and shakes her head and says in that ‘I know what’s best for you dear’ voice…..’You can’t do that. You never did it before and got it right. Just give up the idea and stay where you are…….’ I will stop, turn to her and say………
Just watch me!
And then I will spin on my sassy heel and step into my life.