Island Blog 96 – Lead Dancer

 

dance woman

 

Tomorrow I head off to meet new people who belong to book clubs.  I had thought I would have plenty of thinking time, working out what to say, pick the right bit of kit to wear as a guest, make it all into a perfect circle, all thought through and ticketty boo.

Well, haha Old Mother Life laughs from behind her control panel, flipping a new switch.

Not being the sort of girl to find that a surprise at all, I begin to out-think the Old Girl with a ‘haha’ of my own.  Ok, I am not at home, but somewhere else, helping my lovely daughter-in-law and being smiled at a lot by Miss Willow, aged nearly 7 weeks.  I have the wrong kit, and the wrong shoes and no time to really think through what I will say as Guest.  But that doesn’t defeat me one bit, because what I have discovered throughout my bonkers life is that how I am and who I am are what matters and if I appear in the wrong trousers, it is probably only me who gives a monkey’s whatsit.  If I get fankled up inside that whatsit and all the disproportionate fiddle-di-dee that I could create as a result, it would make everyone else uncomfortable without even knowing why.

I need to lead.  Not others, but myself and, in doing so, I make a calm, because I am not asking anyone else to work around my hang-ups.  It’s a way of being in most of life.  I am only responsble for me, expecting nothing from any other soul.

I know, I make it sound easy, but it is far from easy.  In fact, it is the hardest work I will ever do in my life, the whole length of it, and I must do it on a minute-by-minute basis, every single day of every single week/month/year.

I have often been caught up in the ‘right’ way to be, the ‘right’ way to appear before the world.  I say ‘world, but I have never had that big an audience, so don’t take me literally.  What I mean could be one single person who may, through their own eyes, expect me to be what they consider the right way, and it has limited me into a right nicker twist.  On the occasions I did show I was not going to be controlled by my own fears of upsetting whoever it was, I heard every tut, saw every raised eyebrow, heard every murmured comment.

Perhaps I did it wrong.  Perhaps it looked like I was saying I’ll Show You, and perhaps I was.  How to just Be is a real artform, without aggression, or defence;  without a churlish chuck of my stubborn chin;  without being confrontational.

Well, I can’t say I’ve got it right, even at my age.  But I can say I can learn through my own looking at my own choices of behaviour.  If my heart is right, then nothing else matters.  If I can dance through a world all caught up in how things should be, how anyone should look in each situation, how I should react to any curve ball, and still respond as myself without expectation on others, then I am walking in love.

So, Old Mother Life……..flip your switches and laugh away at my plans, for I haven’t fallen off your stage yet.

3 thoughts on “Island Blog 96 – Lead Dancer

  1. Pingback: Is August the New New Year? | Fionadranesblog's Blog

  2. Hi Judy
    I’m one of your ‘new people who belong to book clubs’ – although following your lead, I should say that it is the book club that belong to us, not the other way around. I am so looking forward to meeting you, bonkers as you may be and in whatever shoes, frills, Doc Martens… you arrive in, but preferably not a brown dress!
    I found it interesting to read in your blog that you were feeling a bit apprehensive about meeting us. You have so many ‘strings to your bow’ that it will be us who are in awe of meeting you! We are mostly a very casual, laid back bunch of people – our very description of ourselves as a ‘book club’ and not a literary society is aimed to show that we just enjoy a good read (although some of us read wine labels more than the books). And I have to say your book was exactly that – a very good read. Must be strange to bare your life and soul in words and have people refer to it as ‘a good read’. However, words are not my strong point. Just wanted to say that I loved your book, read it in record time as I couldn’t put it down and have recommended it to friends.
    Looking forward to seeing some of your paintings too (will have a search on the internet), but wouldn’t dream of ordering one the same only in blue!

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