There are some wonderful words out there for the plucking and Cusp is one of them. In the dictionary it is explained thus;- ‘a pointed end where two curves meet, e.g. the horn of a crescent moon.’ Now that sounds like a fun place to be! I remember a picture of the man on the moon hanging by one buttock on just such a cusp. The image thinks me of many of us in many different situations, hanging there, not fully in one place, nor the other, but still, somehow, there at all.
Days seem to decide on themselves as they dawn. I have found that one day I am barely hanging on, and, the next, feeling like there is a whole moon beneath my tired old butt. I am high up there and looking down on a scurrying world. Today is such a day and I have no words to explain the difference. It doesn’t seem to be up to me, up to what I do or what I don’t do. It just is different. My thoughts are lighter, brighter and not because of me. No horrid nightmare played out whilst the dark surrounded me, only a sense of peace and acceptance, awakening refreshed and with a zoom in my heart. I no longer think ‘I can do this, or I can’t do this’. I don’t think at all. I just am.
Gentle music plays and the pangs of yesterday, the ‘what do I do with all these seedlings’ angst is now a shoulder shrug. There is time enough for seedlings yet. It’s still cold out there, and the garden will do what gardens do, whether or not I fret. In answer to the question ‘why do you have nightmares?’ I reply that caring is exhausting. He looks blank. How can he know what life is like for me, after all? He cannot know, and none of this is his fault. Yesterday I took myself back to the days of passion and laughter. I walked myself into memories that were the truth. I remember the thrill of seeing him framed in a doorway, the sound of his voice calling out my name. I remember longing to be with him, just us, away somewhere. I can still hear the sound of the land rover arriving in the yard and that huge sense of relief. All will be well, now, because of him, because he is back here, with me, with us.
I will not quibble with the way I feel today. I will not ferret about for explanations, nor will I make a plan to hold on to such a day, for it will escape me once more, as it always does. But, I will remember the moon and the cusp of a new one and the memories of what was, and be so very thankful that I have had what many never have.
And I will keep hanging on to the cusp.