April 8, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 43: Talking in Tongues – Congruence, etcetera.

It is the beginning of a new week. Schools are going back. Folk are heading off to work, etcetera.

Etcetera.

That word sounds so good in its entire fulsome length, like tinkling water over river stones, although we rarely see it written thus. In our hurrying lives, there are many words we shorten and cut off so that they no longer bend around corners or form a splendid arcing bridge over a blank space. Sometimes the shortening is necessary, poetic even and I am the first to employ such a technique should it be required or just for fun, using a different tone, or note, or key or octave according to what I want to convey. And, of course, words sound different again in different mouths, and different again according to the tone of a voice.

In those bad moods of my past life, I could make it very clear how I felt. I could thump down dishes, slam cupboard doors, bark at the dog, consider extra mustar
d hidden beneath the ham in a husbands sandwich, and yet, if challenged with a ‘What’s wrong with YOU?’ (delivered in B sharp, if I remember correctly) I would rise, pink-faced and steaming.

‘I’M FINE!’ I hissed, confusing the whole room and loosening my own teeth.

I look back on such times with a snigger, although I never do the sniggering thing if I observe a similar lack of congruence today. No, I feel compassion, because I know how it is to be so utterly miserable about something and to have nobody to tell who won’t bring out their Fixit Kit and start unscrewing my breastplate. Nowadays, should a lurking bad mood ensnare me on waking, I no longer yell that I am fine, but that I am NOT ONE BIT FINE, and that is FINE by me! And..I will sort out my own breastplate thank you very much.

It is also possible, I have found, to add tone to a text message – that is, giving ‘sound’ to ‘silence’. I can uplift you or take your head off, with one digit. I can be a thousand miles away so you absolutely cannot hear me, and yet I can bring this sound into your shell-like and change your whole day. You can ‘hear’ my tone, even though you cannot.

If I have something to say that is contentious, or aggressive, or even just interfering, I should never write it down. In a perfect world I wouldn’t even speak it out, not to you, not to anyone. In fact, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t even want to, because my heart would be right, not just my intentions, and if those two are not working together there in no congruence. How often have I heard clearly, from someone’s tone what they wanted me to hear, and then been told I imagined it? That their intentions were good? Sounds like me, back in the Days of Grump as I broke up the morning for everyone else and denied I had anything to do with the inevitable capsize.

Incongruence.

I am saying one thing with my tongue, another with the rest of me, and the result is mayhem. Nobody knows what to do or where to look. Families are controlled this way relationships too. I know, I did it.

So now, in yelling out that I am NOT FINE might be noisy and may unsettle the dog, but at least it is honest. Sometimes I think the hardest struggle we ever have to face is that we are human and therefore fallible. We are also magnificently assembled creatures of intelligence. One has a lovely sweet taste, the other, bitter. But we are both and if we can learn to accept and cherish the bitter and the sweet, we may be hoarse, but we will be free.

April 5, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 42 – A Tale to Tell

By now, my book is out there in the world and you may even be reading it. You may be loving it, you may not, and over this bit, I have absolutely no control. It is how it is. My responsibility ended as I caught the words from the air around me and laid them down upon a blank sheet of A4. The thoughts and feelings that will arise in you as a result of reading those words, in the order I chose, will relate to your life, not mine, and, in that moment of connection, become something new.

Over the years I have found such connections myself as I devoured the stories of many folk in many places and times. Sometimes I have been tearful for the writer, the hero, or for myself as I become lost in a life that connects deeply with my own. Sometimes thrilling with delight at the way a story bubbles and chatters over the stones like a clear fall of mountain water after new rain. In a well written tale, I can hear the voices and see the landscape. I can smell the wind and taste the grit of it in my mouth; I can feel the warm skin of a dancing child and shiver at the ice cold of a closed mind or a bitter Arctic night. I can twist and turn in the sweaty damp of an unfriendly sleeping bag and I can pull quickly back into the shadows to hide as a cruel drama unfolds before me. I can waken in the night to remember, and then wish I could forget. In short, I become part of the story, and yet play no part at all. I may follow this person, or that. I may long to go back, to see what happened to the child, or the old woman, even knowing that I may not; not until the writer catches the words and lays them down for me on the page. Sometimes I even forget to breathe, so lost am I in the story.

And every one is real.

Although it may be a work of fiction, you can bet that the writer is in there somewhere, for, if not, the tale would be as dull as a Monday shopping list.

But it is not just in books that I can connect with another life. I can find stories in faces along the island roads and they can touch me just as deeply. Of course, we don’t often get to this level on a daily basis – merely exchanging husband news or word of new additions to the family, new accomplishments, new sofas, new guests and so on, but the eyes are the windows to the soul and no mistake. Some bright chirpy person can tell me one thing with their mouth and quite another through their eyes. I do it myself, did it for years.

You are always so bright! They told me, and because it was the done thing, I kept doing it.

Just like you do, or most of you. There are some that might consider leaving their list of ailments and complaints at home, for we all have them to some degree or other and I have found from experience that those with most to complain about, usually don’t. And when I meet those people, who have made a decision not to bore the bejabers out of the rest of us, telling us things we can do nothing whatsoever about and causing rain to fall on that precious moment of shared sunshine, I find my supplies of compassion and respect, verging on reverence, threaten to overwhelm me altogether. My whole day changes as I guess my way into their life and out again feeling humbled. Suddenly my load lightens, supposing I thought I had one in the first place.

There is always an argument between reality and fairyland. I have always preferred fairyland, finding reality way too matter-of-fact for me, and, as we know, these Matters of Fact change daily according to the latest discovery/statistic/breaking news. Shifting sands I reckon, whereas fairyland is always fairyland and you can depend on it remaining so forever, for in that world (the real world in my opinion) we are allowed to be individual in our response to that which we observe. All views are acceptable. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong, for we all see things in different ways according to our creed, birthright,childhood and experiences. And we should stand tall and proud inside our own story, and sing it out, for it is the only one we can really tell.

April 2, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 41 – Yikes!

That’s what was in my mouth as I awoke this morning, for this is Book Launch Day for Island Wife and I am fizzing with excitement!

It’s not like a birthday fizz, something that comes anyway, whether I am good or bad, but more the fizz of accomplishment. I have now, with considerable help and support, brought an idea to life and it is now packaged and ready to go out into the world.

At the beginning, when something is just an idea it can be caught and held, or lost in a single day. I get ideas all the time and my head can feel like it’s full of bluebottles, buzzing and whizzing and banging against the windows in the way of all foolish things without direction. At other times, it is just one or two ideas, that are not so hard to catch and pin down, until there is time to pay each one due attention. This book was once an idea, but remaining an idea wasn’t going to do anyone any good, least of all me because it wouldn’t let me go. Somehow I knew at the start, that writing my story was not just self-gratification – it was a body of work that other eyes needed to see.

In my life, I have found the strength at difficult times through the life of another. Yes, for me, it has mostly been women writers, women’s stories, but not exclusively. What I have sought, and found, in other’s tales, spun like fine webs across the pages, has been a voice to give me courage; courage to do another day, to take another step. I connect with that voice, that truth, that story in some way and at some level, and that changes me and brings me hope. Many times have I risen from the pages and dried my own tears, refreshed my own war paint, chosen brighter clothes to wear and squared my own shoulders. Many, many times.

I want Island Wife to do the same. Perhaps for you.

March 22, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 40 – Show Yourself

I had three phone interviews yesterday about Island Wife, due to be published on March 28^th by Two Roads. I think there will be more to come over the next short while when I am new news as opposed to old news, which I will be by the second week of April. By then the sound of running feet will be receding, not coming closer – such is our quick-quick world. I will be standing here, open-mouthed and half way through the answer to a very personal question, laying down my words, one by considered one, only to find the room has cleared in a heartbeat.

So, it seems of the greatest importance that I use this platform with the respect it requires, for the legacy I leave behind will be the things I have said, that may be remembered, for life and death are in the power of the tongue. Words will leave me and attach themselves to the hems of departing coats only to be re-assembled through the filters of a very different person, using a different emphasis, perhaps, a different tone of voice. What I say may not be what is printed or spoken out. What I mean may not travel the distance.

And so it is in relationships, those ships that fascinate me most of all. Every one of us in one, like it or not. Some of us are crossing oceans, through angry storms, turning our faces into biting ice winds that threaten to tear off our very skin; some bob gently across a mirrored calm, the sun warming our bones, and some just putter up and down the same claggy-banked strip of canal on an ancient barge with rusty screws, a draggletail posy of wild flowers in an old jam jar on the cabin roof. But this is to stereotype and is not therefore the truth. The truth is that we all travel storm wards at some point in our lives, and at others we bob across the mirror and in between, we deadhead the draggletailed posy whilst the endless ordinary banks pass us by. And whilst we do all this, we bring that of ourselves to the table, to our relationships. We bring likes and dislikes, opinions and phobias, passions and failings, gifts and skills.

In an ideal relationship, such as the one my neighbour has, or my sister, or that woman I read about

in last weeks Sunday magazine who lives beside the sea with a loving man and who has enough money to spend on whatever she wants to spend it on, neither person fights to control. Neither person pulls rank, manipulates either by loud domination or weak dependency and neither wants anything less than to lift the Apple of their eye up to whatever light warms them. My opinion of what you should or should not do, has no place in our relationship. My only role is to love you, and to love you right I must remove myself. My……Self.

This doesn’t mean I am silent and fuming in the corners. It doesn’t mean I don’t tell you loud and clear when I am angry or upset with something you have done or said. What it does mean is that I can be honest, create my own boundaries, speak with my own voice, make my own choices and leave you to do the same for yourself. I expect nothing from you and you expect nothing from me, and both of us give and receive freely. It sounds like perfection, you say, too perfect to attain, but it’s not perfection. It is Love. Love for myself and Love for you.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and I am single-stepping right now as the Island Wife considers her response to another personal question. There are often two answers to that question, two directions. One choice. Mine.

March 19, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 39 – The New Old

Today I am 60 years old.

When I was a young thing, bouncing carelessly through my days and nights, my greatest concern was that I looked like everyone else whose stocking seams ran in a straight line all the way up to their sensibly clad bottoms, and whose mothers approved of them.

I never managed it. In fact, it was rather fun to see just how many winds of seam I could wrap around my leg before I choked and fell over. When tights came in, everything went to pot on the wrapping fun, for reasons I am sure you can quite well imagine.

Those women of 60, to whom I looked up, or so they thought, and, to be honest, some of them earned an upward look, seemed ancient as fossils. They had looked like their mothers since they were 25 anyway, but somehow, at 60, it all set like concrete, in their attitudes, their faces and in their moral confidence. I can still roll my eyes and want to hide up a tree just thinking about them, as they pinged my mother’s doorbell and were allocated seats for luncheon. It was there in those lips pursed for ‘a small sherry’ and in the hush of gossip.

Is this now me?

No flipping chance.

I and my 60 year old peers are breaking that mould. We are no longer ‘mouldy’ nor are we up for being moulded. Although we may have become shape-changers, we are doing it our way. Not as a group, which is what the previous generation seemed to do, but as individuals. It is not necessarily easy nor simple this being an individual thing, but the more I speak with my daft female friends, the more determination I hear and because we support each other, not to be the same as we are, but to be whoever they are, through the filter of their own life, their own heart, I do believe we are about to cause chaos.

I can see that such a change might not be too everyone’s taste. After all, our mothers happily retreated behind mounds of fluffy scones at just the right time, allowing us to leap out of the conjurer’s hat and into a surprised world as the ones to watch from now on. Our mothers’ sensibly clad bottoms became just bottoms, when ours invited conversation. Their voices fell back into an appropriately domestic hum, whereas we say blow to baking on a regular basis (not least because our husbands might grow too fat), and the confident voice of the new olds reaches up and out and can silence a room of men.

Now there’s a thing!

So get ready world, for we are coming and worse, much much worse, our daughters are watching.

March 14, 2013 by judyfairbairns

A Point in Time

Last night I watched something on one of those TV channels that loves adverts – or, rather, the revenue they bring in. I hate them. Not only do I not want a deep pile shag wool carpet with drip-resistant fibres and enough depth for the dog to get mislaid in overnight, or a 6-seater sofa in ivory tweed for the six members of the family who can’t wait to sit very close together and in a dead straight line of an evening, but it’s the interruption that bugs me most. There I am, trying to work out who committed the crime, or wallowing in the poignancy of a tragic drama, allowing myself to float away on a cloud of wonderful acting and exquisite prose, when my thoughts are interrupted mid-reverie by squeals of over-excitement about some new and luminous cereal that the whole family will adore including the dog – especially the dog, after a confusing night in the shag pile.

It got me thinking about what really matters in life, and not one of them can be purchased with a credit card. Time, for example. Time for looking. Time for loving. Time to give away, to share.

Although time is the one thing that all of us crave and all of us lack to some degree, it is the last thing we seem to treasure. We say we are running out of it. We say we haven’t any to spare, and yet, time is constant, dependable, a never-ending supply day after day, year after year, and we all have the same amount to spend, regardless of our situation.

I think we need reminding sometimes, of the important and lasting valuables of life, ones no online site or department store will ever sell. In particular, a reminder about our family members need for our time, because from time freely given comes involvement, sharing, comradeship, bridge-building and, above all, the ability to see what makes someone happy, what makes someone sad. It trounces loneliness. It requires no particular skills, no clever techniques. It is just sitting with another or walking alongside them and asking gentle questions, talking together about things you can’t buy, and sharing, listening and smiling. It is about being there and being there again and again, stepping into their world, be they 5, 15, 50, or 150. It’s about saying no to ourself and our own busy schedule and throwing it into the air, asking the question ‘What is important here?’ and finding to our own surprise, that it isn’t what we thought it was. Lunch can wait, the TV news can be missed today. Someone needs us, and not tomorrow at ten, but right this minute.

We all want time with the ones we love and if it means we don’t get an expensive gift, or a new carpet/sofa/gadget, we honestly, honestly won’t mind. In fact, we will find we didn’t really want them at all. What we wanted is what we have; a loved one who wants to be at our side; one who cares deeply enough to turn from their own world and to step into ours; who feels our joy and our sadness; who never lets us down. Relationships can be saved this way. All of them.

March 11, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 37 – New Road

Things are hotting up for the launch of my book, Island Wife, to be published by Two Roads on March 28^th. The Hodder team, of which Two Roads is an imprint, are working hard on press releases, magazine reviews, media opportunities and book signings.

As my penultimate son would have said when the excitement in him rose like a wave….’I can hardly bear my seating!’

People, friends, ask me ‘what does it feel like?’

Like champagne in my veins.

Like a moon flash on the sea loch as the storm clouds part.

Like the smell of sunshine after rain, or the first cuckoo in Spring.

And so much more.

Far more.

That’s my new name. Honest, no kidding.

‘Farmor’ means Father’s mother in Swedish and it is the name my new little Viking grand-daughter will probably call me on her Swedish days.

I digress somewhat.

Over the next few weeks, my story will be heavying down the post-people and the carriers as the copies wing their way around the country. E books will ding through space and time to settle into Kindles and Ipads and people in dentist waiting rooms will forget the tropical fish for as long as it takes to read some review on me and my book.

I will find my book in shop windows, or held in hands on a train, or a bus. Will I say anything? Will I bounce up all full of beans and introduce myself, offer to sign the copy and leave just knowing they will spend days buzzing with the excitement or will I slide past with a flicker of a look and hope I am not recognised?

Honestly, I just don’t know, for who is born for this, for a sudden chance at some level of fame, be it good fame or not so good fame? Who knows, when stepping into new shoes (haven’t bought them yet) or onto a new path, what to do or what to say? I won’t know my surroundings and we are always better when we know our surroundings. And people will look at me differently once they have read the bones of me. I wonder what that will feel like. After all, for most of the year, I hide myself happily away on the island, sometimes seeing not one person all day long. Now it seems I must walk this baby into the world, which is what I always wanted, always dreamed of. Not the publicity, although I am sure I will enjoy it all, but to touch on another’s life, to make a connection through my story, with theirs, with yours, perhaps, and to tell you without telling you at all, that you can do it too, whatever it may be for you.

I might meet you on this new road.

New Road. Two Roads.

March 4, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 36 – Pecking Order

Woken by a bickering of crows outside my window, I leap out of bed to see what’s up. I know they’re upset, I can hear it. They sound like bad-tempered witches and sometimes that can mean a big bird of prey has flown into their air space. This morning is fair and bright and the air quite still, belying the truth of the situation.

The sky is empty of all songbirds, so I know a predator is nearby, and I am right.

On the grass below me a fight is about to begin over the carcass of a large rabbit. Standing over it – a buzzard.

Two crows lunge at the big bird, like louts, juking back pretty quick as the beak comes down like an axe over their heads. Positioning themselves either side of him, they dance around him, calling him all manner of names, much like thugs at a state visit, in an effort to wear him down until he tires of them and flies away. Crows can do this for hours I know, so I turn away for just a moment to find some clothes to wear. Suddenly the noise level escalates into a riot and I dash back to the window.

A second buzzard has landed inches away from the other, presenting a very real threat. The two huge birds take their positions for battle, wings slightly out, necks thrust forward, feet two-square on the grass. In the face of such power, the crows bounce off a few yards and watched from a safe distance, one of them pretending not to care by pecking at a cow pat.

For some moments, the buzzards charge at each other, claws lashing as they rise off the ground, as one, a little higher each time. The crows jig about like hoodlums, calling out, excited by this clash of the Titans. The sky, which had emptied when the buzzard first appeared, is now a swoosh of songbirds, looping across the morning sky like chiffon, to land on the fences and among the hazel scrub, chattering excitedly; spectators for the show.

The excitement is tangible.

One of the buzzards grabs the rabbit and tries to fly, but the weight of it defeats him and he only manages a couple of feet off the ground. Buzzard number two lunges forward to grab the other end of the carcass in his beak. Then all hell breaks loose as the two of them roll each other over and over in a tangle of claws and wings, of fur and feathers.

As they fall apart, one of them concedes defeat, and re-arranging his feathers he rises into the blue morning. The victor tries in vain to lift the carcass, till he too gives up and, with a sharp cry, takes to the hills.

That’s breakfast for the crows, I tell my little green teddy bear who was also watching. But this time I am wrong.

Two sea eagles come from nowhere, graceful and silent. They don’t even touch down. One dips just low enough to pick up the carcass as if it’s a pocket handkerchief and then, together, and without a sound, they lift effortlessly into the empty sky and are gone.

March 1, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 35 – Speaking without Words

For the first time since beginning this blog, I really don’t know what to write. Perhaps it is, as my youngest son used to say with all the confidence in the world, that my daily allocation of words has been quite used up. He didn’t actually use that big long word, but in his ‘little boy speke’, he communicated clearly enough.

The conversation that morning had been about his brother who talked sometimes in his sleep.

‘It’s because he hasn’t said all the words he was given for the day’ said the tutfy-headed small boy as he munched on his toast and ‘hunny’.

Perfectly logical of course, and why not?

It also means that the converse is probably true as well. So, when I cannot find a single thing to say, it isn’t necessarily because I know nothing of the subject under discussion. It could simply be that I have used up my daily quota, sprayed words across a wasteland where they may just have fallen on stony ground and come to nowt. Or, worse, launched them at some poor soul who couldn’t be less interested in whatever wisdoms I might think crucial to this point in their life. Those words either fly off into the sky over their heads or they land in the wrong place and cause that person, who was fine thank you very much before I and my ego came along on our white charger suggesting they required certain repairs, much inner angst.

I’ve done it all, and may well again, in spite of all my good intentions. My mind can fox me into all sorts of do-gooder situations. With heavenly choirs, soaring violins and a strong wind section, I can ‘Mother Theresa’ anyone whether they want it or not.

And, often, they do not. I can see it on their faces. It’s either frustration or irritation, neither of which was in my plan. What I foresaw, in the bestowing of my gracious wisdom, was, first, the early dawn light. Then the epiphany. Then, over time, the transformation.

Oh for goodness sake!

The good news is that, if I shut up and observe only, I won’t land in the poo. If I come with no agenda of my own, such as a long list of easy things they can do to make their life so much better, but simply walk beside them, if indeed they have asked me to in the first instance, asking the odd question that relates directly to whatever they have just said to me, and then listen again, I may just help a fellow traveller a little way down their own road.

Not mine.

February 25, 2013 by judyfairbairns

Island Blog 34 – To Rise and Fall and Rise again.

Today I spent a happy time with 3 other women over lunch. We talked of many things, and sometimes all at the same time, but the theme that wound its way through all our conversations, was the ‘how’ of living. How we each manage it.

Some of us walk a steady, even path, although it wasn’t always so steady. Another is young, and she will take many paths, mainly out of youthful curiosity.

Do we lose that curiosity I wonder? Or have we found that it doesn’t only kill cats?

The way we germinate the seeds of our own personal existence, it seems to me, is decided by the choices we make as we live out our life. But if we felt we had no choice, or if choice was made on our behalf, does that mean that those seeds never grow and bloom?

There is a theory that we make our own choices, whether it looks like it or not. Actually, I do agree with that theory, but I also hate it at times. It is so much more pleasant to present myself as a victim of circumstances, or of some overbearing ‘other’ in my life. After all, I could have been this or that, had I been allowed to make my own choices.

Couldn’t I?

When you live like I do, on a daily roller coaster, you are allowed to cast envious glances to those marching steadily along their level path of choice. It’s fine when I am riding on point break, towering over the world and shouting ‘Woohoo, Look at Me!’ but quite another as I sink into the troughs and nearly drown. And I do it every single day. It is, in a word, exhausting to be me, but I am me and that’s that.

So, Me, how are we to accept that we made this choice very early on in life? Our sisters seem very sorted, our brother too, and we all came from the same nest. What, or who decided that we would think too much about every flaming thing, lifting up the carpet of life over and over again until the tacks give up and ping off into the unknown, leaving a permanent curl for everyone else to trip over?

Enough questions.

I have found that my first important decision each day lies not in what I do, or where I go, but in how I see what I see. This doesn’t mean I should spend all my time looking inward but quite the opposite. When I have heard that someone is off to find themselves, in India or some such place, I have to conceal an inner snigger. In order, it seems, to feel ok, no, better, good about being a volatile lunatic, like I am, is to look at the world of which I am an essential part. I know that sounds a bit cocky, but to be honest, it works for me. If I can tell myself that I am here for a specific purpose, just as I am, with my own seeds to nurture and grow, then my roller coaster begins to make some sense. After all, I can see higher and lower than the ones on the steady path. I can spin among the clouds and swim in the deeps and I can use those powers of observation to help another. I can take what looks like a heavy load and call it a gift. And I need to do this exactly where I am, because to flip off to India would be fine, but only if I could leave me behind.

Which I cannot.

If I am the one who has to surf the biggest waves, then let me learn how to surf. If it is I who must sink into those troughs, then I must learn to be a cork.

And then, let me have the presence, the absolute engagement with where and who I am, to find one who fears their own sinking, and to show them that they can do it too.