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Island Blog – Clockwise and Widdershins

I’m aware that July is easing out of view, note, calendar. To be honest, I feel she only just arrived. How the wheel turns! I thought this as I watched my washing machine do it’s thingy. It swished clockwise, paused, and then went widdershins. Ah! I said, I did and out loud, this is life. You think it’s going one way and then it flaming well doesn’t. I can’t blame July. All the months do this. And what surprises me, now I consider the whole wheel turn backforth confusative is why are we surprised at all? I find no answerers. These questions are mostly thrown into the void, where, which is rather alarming, there is nobody with an answer. It wonders me. Are these questions more a boomerang?

Ah, yes, they are. Although it feds me up a whole lot, I know it’s true. We answer our own questions. We think we can’t, that we need someone else to do this, and, sometimes, when deeply compromised, deeply lost, we do. I know that. I do. But what I know and notice is that so many of us, strong us, confident us, forget ourselves. Life will swipe clockwise and widdershins. Always did, always will. I ask myself, who do I want to be in this new month, new age, new moment?

And then, I remember. It takes a big re-jig, or it does for me. Times I know I am old, feeling it, pushing on when thumbs and hips hurt, because……and what is my because? No idea.

I know me, the who of me. Not one single other person in the whole of everything will ever know the me of me, the I of I. Nobody, not ever. Only me. So this flipshake of clockwise and widdershins, this whole July departure, and the next month and the next, the expectations of those cemented in some man-made control programme, not one of them can decide me.

I turn off the washing machine, hang my clothes on the pulley. Nobody has them anymore, not in the new world of everything aesthetic and clueless. I watch them dangle. They’ll be dry the morra.

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Island Blog – Truth and Connection

I considered not writing today, I did. But, if writing is a compulsion, there really is no point in any attempt to avoid. It considers me. I write to uplift, that’s my thing, not contrived and with no agenda, but just because I am who I am. In uplifting, I gain so much. I cannot, not, do this uplifting thing. It is part of me. So, when I am tired, bone weary, feeling shit, I hesitate myself, if that is indeed possible. I pick up and join with the voices of my past, those in my own parental home that said, and clearly, You never go out with a face like that, or Nobody wants to know about you and your current angst, of words to that effect, and so we didn’t. We left our feelings behind because the mess of emotion is, was, something to be ashamed of, an affliction, and everyone else is just fine by the way, so keep your smile bright and your lies constrained by chains in the cellar of your soul.

When I question this now, many miles away from youth and my now dead parents, I find my own answers. They come slow, like geese on a spring wind, like daffodils in an ice cold sky, faltering, halting, holding fast to a risky opening. That thinking was then, I say. Yes, it was, comes the answer, but the truth of it remains steadfast. You don’t ‘go out there’ with your smile half way down your legs and that boring liturgy of stuff that nobody wants to hear pushing at your teeth until it blasts out into a How Are You face, sending the asker into a wall of regret at asking at all.

Another answer that lifts like blossom from the sludge of thinking is that it is a huge mistake to attach possibles to a feeling. Defining a feeling is very important. I feel very tired. That’s how I feel. It isn’t because I have had a tough life, nor that I hold regrets about my motherhood, nor that I find it hard to pump up a car tyre, nor that I find it a damn menace to chop wood. None of that. I am just tired. Funny that we need to attach reasons, when a feeling is just a feeling, and that feeling will pass, as everything does. But, being human, we question, and isn’t it interesting that the judges, bored old buggers who haven’t tasted limelight for a while, leap from their chairs and into the ring, the moment we allow such questions the floor. So don’t do it.

A young friend visited today. I knew her when she was 12 and now she’s a granny. We had a wonderful time, talking of our memories, our connections over 30 years or more and my tiredness got fed up and lifted. Connection is everything, because it takes us out of our own story and into a new and interesting narrative. This might seem that my story is not enough and, at times, it isn’t, and that, I believe, is the same for us all. To question is to quest. To reach out is to reach. To be truthful about feelings is to honour them. I’m learning, all of the time.

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Island Blog – Wild Heart

“Strong back. Soft Front. Wild Heart” – Brene Brown

Some mornings you just wake up happy. I did this morning, helped into sentience by a big rumble of thunder and the tickle of rain dripping from the thatch outside my bedroom window, splatting on the stoep like the marching feet of tiny soldiers. Rain! Good rain, and at last. The birds lift from the sand floor to snatch at flying termites and other members of the flighted macrosystem; too small to be of interest on a sunshine day. Inside this wet dawning the symbiosis of natural life is centre stage, visible and buzzing with life. Without the rain, the insects wouldn’t fly; without the insects there would be no birds; without the birds no germination of precious seeds; without the seeds, no green shoots for giraffe, zebra, elephant, buck, rhino, both black and white, buffalo, nyala and so many more. Without the herbivores, no predators, no leopard, lion, cheetah, hyena, painted dogs, jackals and I could bore the pants off you with a much longer list. And it all begins with that rumble of thunder, the clouds heavy with precious water, more than ready to off their loads. The Blue Mountains are part-hidden in cloud, their heads lost in in the lowered sky. I can almost hear the parched ground sigh in a delicious relief.

The symbiosis found (when studied and understood) is no different to the one we humans need as we need water for our bodily thirst. But here’s the thing. We have forgot. We think, in our foolish ignorance that we don’t really need each other all that much in order to be a ‘success’ in life. We need our families, of course, and our carefully selected friends but the rest of humanity is just there and sometimes we wish they were not. People come with a load of irritating, nay infuriating, habits that we simply do not want to be around. So we circumnavigate these other humans, judging them cruelly whilst not really knowing them at all. ‘It is hard to hate a person close-up’ (Brene Brown). We can happily snigger together about colour, creed, race, religion and an opposing political view, sticking, instead, to those who think as we do. There’s a comfort in that, but it is unsustainable and ultimately unsatisfying for anyone who is curious enough about a life’s journey and who wants to learn more about the path ahead.

Mid-life crisis for example is simply, in my opinion, boredom at the thought on continuation in the same footwear and on the same path. This is quite natural. Boredom, dissatisfaction at our current way of living, with the same old faces appearing in our doorways day after endless day is a vital part of a human’s life. It comes, this huge discomfiture, as a gift, but few of us see it that way. We may think we need to abandon a relationship, or move house, or change jobs and all of those may indeed be a part of a new change (sorry, oxymoron), but none of those are It. It – is simply that we are bored with what we have done for ages and now is the time to think outside the bodily box, to use our big brains, to research, to study, to be open hearted and curious as a child. I know it isn’t easy because our first thoughts are loaded to with all sorts of unhelpful lies such as the one that tells us we got it all wrong to date; that it is my partner’s fault, or that of my boss, or, and this is always a safe bet, that of my mother or father.

Well all of that is bullshit. However, even knowing that isn’t enough. I must decide not to welcome into my ‘boring’ life, all those critical and lying judges that tell me my life has been a waste of time, that I got it wrong about 30 years ago, that someone else is to blame for these uncomfortable feelings and instead to say Oh Thankyou for the wake up call. I must look into something else, a new direction and what is more (and this is the key) I must invite other people, strangers perhaps and homies, my kids and those existing friends who won’t panic when I tell them I am bored with my life, running back to their own, locking the door and refusing my calls, to talk this through with me. I will be vulnerable. I will put my ego to sleep by bashing it on the head with a mallet and I will look out with curiosity and humour. So what if I have lost my job and with it my sense of superiority before my peers? So what if I lose my looks and now wonder who I am without them? So what if I have absolutely no idea what to do next? I have myself, my huge brain, my body #mostlyworking, my memories, my lived life thus far, my family, my friends (who remain) and now I am going to find more friends because this is inevitable when someone chooses to stop trudging down the road alongside everyone else. There are plenty of other everyone elses. I just haven’t met them yet. I can step out onto a new path and risk. If I leave that ego behind, deflate that self-important chest, shuck off that protective armour and just begin to walk into the great wide open, I will eventually see that all of this is just what I need right now. In trepidation I have made the decision to be vulnerable, to risk and to trust, to be without answers and to allow myself to be cluelessly dependent on the wisdom of a stranger in order to learn new rope tricks. This, the path less travelled, has been walked before I ever stepped onto it. The guides will appear just when I need them. I may not eat sausages on Tuesday or a roast on Sundays, as I may have done from habit for decades, but I will taste the bite of new fruit in a new place and it may just be delicious. Under a big sky, alert and interested, curious and fearful in parts, I may find out who I really am, and those stranger-guides could become new friends for a new life.

I leave you with the wisdom of others:-

” If you can see your path laid out in front of you, step by step, you know it is not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That is why it is your path.” Joseph Campbell

“You are only free when you realise you belong no place. You belong every place and no place at all. The price is high. The reward great.” Maya Angelou