nature

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Island Blog – Paucity, Abundance, the Tallyman

It has now been just over four weeks since radiotherapy. Feels like four months, at times, so damn tired am I, and being tired is one hell of a pain in the aspidistra. If, when, I allow myself to indulge in self pity I wander into a day of paucity thinking. Not my thing at all. I don’t do paucity nor any other city, for that matter. I am an abundance thinker, dance being right up there for me. I have danced through apocalyptical landscapes over the years, moving purposefully along and crunching paucity underfoot, en route to heaven knew where, anywhere but there. I believed, and still believe, that moving onwards takes me to the beyond of, not only my skinny et collapso thinking, but also of the barren scape within which I appeared to be currently stuck. This tactic has worked well and still does. But the biggest bore seems to have roosted in my eaves. Tiredness, all day, and not just that neither, or is it either(?) for feeling consistently weary is not cheery, and although I have been told, oftentimes, to be patient, I am an impatient by nature.

Rising from another patchy night, I wheech myself out of bed, physically able still, and I command paucity to get-to-hec as I gather my abundance into a warm dressing gown as I descend the stairs for coffee and, hopefully, dawn. I know that dawn, bless her, will always come, eventually. As I sip the hot strong brew, black, no sugar, I call in the tallyman. Take a seat, I say, let’s count blessings, which we do, as I write them all down. I had breast cancer, which was discovered quite by chance; I had excellent surgery to remove the blight; I have been fully supported by the NHS, family, friends and others who know what cancer feels like, the shock of it, the concerns around it and the recovery therefrom; I live in the most beautiful place, on an island, alone and independent; I am loved by many; I can write, used to sing, can dance (a bit) and have full use of all my important extras; I have life, love life, live life. Now I need more coffee.

By the time dawn has risen with the birds and their glorious singing, my mind is full of abundance, the whining of paucity barely audible. Yes I am tired, yes I am impatient, yes I have lost a considerable portion of self-confidence, yes I am lonely at times, and scared of life, but who isn’t once over the cusp of 70? In other words, let these words float out into the big wide sky, to dissipate like steam. I say that out loud. Then I hear the door open and turn around. The tallyman winks at me as we both watch abundance holding it open for paucity to slink through. The door closes quietly and we all watch the slinker trudge down to the shore, and then disappear.

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Island Blog – The Bog and Lifting

Mostly, I am coloured up and cheerful as a chipmunk. Then comes a day when it is even a pain in the arse to get dressed. I don’t like these days, and they know it, because I can hear them grumbling and muttering each time I push myself on and up. And I do. I think it’s because I know about being in the bowels of a depression and how vicious and controlling it is. Thankfully this time is way back in my past, but the body holds the score and we both remember the control of it, the way invisible octopus arms smothered me, held me down and down some more until I forgot who I was, and why I was. The scars are there somewhere and when the past puts its finger on the trigger, I tense, I remember, and my inner fighter rises, stronger now, powerful, even if I am not. She will protect me but only because I call her up from sleep, and that is the key.

When someone has known the ghastly of a mental bog, the knowing never goes away. But, once lifted from said bog, something rises as a teacher. Do you want to learn, survive, bloom again? If, as in my case, the answer is yes-but, then out comes the sunshine of hope. Yes…..But….? Indeed. The but bit is important because you are up there, Oh Teacher and I am slimy and hopeless and full of self-hatred and remorse. How on earth will those beliefs change? Ah, says the Teacher. Just follow me. And I did, and I learned and I was a keen student. I remember faking cheerful, faking ‘sorted’ because in my day, depression was something to be ashamed of, something imagined. ‘This is all in her head’ they said, and they were right, but the dismissive way it was whispered in corridors, was not right at all. As if I had manufactured these days of darkness and fear, just for attention.

I am not depressed now. I have learned much over the years, discovered many wonderful inroads into intelligent and compassionate support, walked them, learned the routes to feeling worthwhile, important, valued. T’is a goodly map. I also know, and believe in, the tactics for arising from the bog. I understand that the bog is still there, but I have found footholds. I know where the Pull Grass grows, that which I can grab a hold of, should I slide down. I have learned the weather patterns around a possible slide, and to avoid going out at such times. And, avoidance tactics are pivotal. On days such as this, when I can’t be arsed et wotwot, I am careful to do exactly what I want to do. I may cancel a meeting if it insecures me. I may decide to stay behind my four stone walls, light a fire, read or listen to an audio book. After all, who is judging me for my hiding, my declining, my indulgence? Only me. The critics of my past are long dead, all of them, parents, teachers, husband, so those voices are just dust in the wind. I know this now.

But, when such days wake me, confabulate me, I cannot dismiss them. A day is a day, after all, hours of it. But I can cock a snook at it, swish my sword, say I Am Important, I Have a Choice, and, most importantly, I Am Me (and that’s just dandy). I may not do this or that, those things my imaginary ‘yous’ keep banging on about, and, even if it feels odd at first, the more I do this, the bigger I grow and the further I walk from that damn bog. And my judges.

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Island Blog – Inspiradiation and a Zap Map

Many things inspire me, people too. Something said out loud or communicated through eyes, and in silence, but received, nonetheless. Moments, sounds, lyrics, intuitions, experiences, and many more besides. If I catch these inspirations, like butterflies in a net, they all hold a beauty and intensity, a teaching. But, only if I catch them. I know how it is to barge on through doorways and over sills or along pathways with only a to-do list. Chased by Time, and always just this side of utterly exhausted, it is easy to miss much. When focus is on the familiar, the to-do list, the endless corridors leading to yet another bloody doorway that opens on to more tasks only I can complete, intuition and the chance of inspiration getting so much as a look-in, is unlikely at best. Not now, however, now that I am old and alone and when I have endless time to catch butterflies in the net of my mind. Beautiful things, butterflies, although sometimes I might catch an earwig or a toad, so broad is my sweep. But those critters also bring opportunities for reflection. Perhaps that throwaway comment or that too-quick turn-away upset someone, and this earwig or this toad also have something for me to take in and to consider.  Not all catchings are pleasant, at first. Of course, the key with anything I catch is to eventually release it, be it the beautiful butterfly of epiphany, or the unattractive and dully coloured body of a uncomfortable realisation. One which demands humble action. 

Soon, I am offski to the cancer clinic for a ‘planning CT scan’, where the professionals will create their Zap Map. Through the wonders of technology, they will see precisely where to point the radiotherapeutic laser, ensuring, so they tell me, that all trace of cancer, if any is lurking, will be zapped unto death. Five days is all, and not even the whole of those five days, but a few minutes. Although unpleasant reactions can list bigly horrors, not one of them will affect me, because nothing ever has before. I am blest with ridonculous health, and a big inspiration net, always to hand. I will pay attention to everything and everyone, sweeping a wide catchment area wherever I go. Across the road, in a bus queue, in the hospital amongst others being zapped, the nurses, the doctors. Inside the hotel, the lift, on the stairs, through a window, along the street, butterflies abound. I just know it. And I will return, as I always do, humbled at what I see. A homeless girl, a weary bus driver, someone I meet in a doorway, a harrassed business man in a big rush, a fraught mother weighed down by a cling of children. I will hear sounds I never hear in this wild place. The chatter of a train on the tracks, a colourful hue of voices in languages I cannot speak, the cut of someone’s jib, the smell of exhaust fumes, of perfume, takeaway food and so on. And I will sweep it all in, catch it in my net.

Even the radiation will inspire me, for I am always curious like Alice, eager to learn, not facts but what is really means to be human, to be wonderful, lost, broken, keen, kind, and an integral part of all those ties, colours and stories that bind us together.  

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Island Blog – Ice and Curtains

I asked a young friend, well, a friend of my sons, who lives nearby, to come help me, on a rainy morning, to help me hang some curtains.  He came back immediately with a Yes. Bless his comeuppance #therightmeaningofthe word. I thought it would be the morra, the rainy morning.  It generally is. But these are rain and wind free days, icy clear and freezing, the child of the Winter King learning how to hold the earth concreate, perhaps.  She is still holding, and I love her, the slip and slide of her icy stretch along paths that could, but, as yet, have not skidded my old arse into flat. An ice tumble.  I wonder about minus 24, when I meet minus 3.  Paltry by comparison, I guess, but this country, this beautiful country, one that has seen control, wars, feeble governments and a complete lack of respect for everyone who lives on this land, suddenly feels a whole lot of cold.

If I did pay attention to the news, the buffed up stories of what is happening out there, I could forget my inner laugh. So, I won’t go there. I will, instead, focus on not falling on my arse on the ice, I will lift and swift with the birds who stay close, albeit nervously, as I fill the feeders of a morning, whilst cocking a snook at the Sparrowhawk, up there, somewhere in the ancient pines. Each side of the track looks frozen, is frozen in stasis and beautiful, shapes held by tiny iceflakes, stopped dead like a photograph but in 3D. I stoop to study the way the ice has caught in groove lines, each shape outlined in pure white. The Star moss is a perfect forest, albeit in miniature. Enlarged it wouldn’t be out of place in a Lord of the Rings movie, thick and impenetrable. On warmer days, I could walk by without a second glance, caught up in my own thoughts, but now it takes my breath away, breath that puffs out of my mouth as if I was a kettle coming to the boil. I watch the steam dissipate and think of those crazy mountaineers with icicles on their moustaches, not that I have one of those myself. I squat down to snap a shot on my mobile. I never used to take this thing on my walks, but now I do, what with the flat-on-my-arse possibility, no matter how cautious I am about holding my body directly above each step. 

Walking in nature has been much written about, the healing, uplifting power gained from just getting up and out, regardless of weather. And, I find it is the truth. If I am feeling a tad weary in my alone life, bored, perhaps, my brain scratchy and unitchable, unable to find much joy in the prospect of domestic engagement, I make myself boot up and out. Every single time it works. I tell my scratchy brain to shut the ef up and to notice, notice, notice everything. A sudden bird flip across my path, the moss, the lichen on tree bark, the twisted limbs of the hookah trees, skinny now, bare, ghostly, waiting for Spring. The track is either a straggle of mud or solid as rock beneath my yellow boots. I might meet another walker, perhaps with a dog, always a delight. We might chat for a few minutes, share a laugh, as the dog pushes against my legs for attention. Or, I may be quite alone, just me and the sky and the ghost trees. A young hind watches me walk by, her ears twitching forward as I say a soft hallo and reasurre her that I mean no harm. It must be a lean time for deer now, no grass yet and everything frozen hard as stone. 

I return home refreshed and lively to my cosy island home. I build up the fire, make tea and sit to watch the garden birds, the spread of ice on the tidal loch, the darkling hills beyond. Smoke from faraway chimneys lifts into the blue, spirals of warmth rising straight up as there is no wind to snatch them away. The tea is hot and nourishing and I might just get out the hoover now, now that my mind is cleansed of sludge. The task is still a dull one, but that connection with the out there of my life has soothed my itchy brain into calm. Thankful for such a wonderful life, I rise into action, whilst my curtains watch me from inside a plastic bag. You will hang one day, I tell them, and then wonder if I might put that another way.

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Island Blog – Nature and Form

I felt overwhelmed yesterday. Stuff came in, calls and wotwot, like a collision. I am not good at that, this, it. I confound at dawn, no, earlier, because the beloved old frickin dog wakes me at o400 when I am finally asleep, btw. She means no ill. I know this, deal with the rag of this, and she still rises me with a smile as she squeaks and dances around my sleeping form.

Form. We all love this. It has a geometric shape, can solve an equation, can create a whole frickin building. I love form too. But today had no form, nothing form about it. My overwhelm took over. it was a spread across a peat bog. All those acres of apparent nothing. Generally speaking, I love the nothing, the gasp of cold air, walking out there into the sparkle of ice.

It thinks me. I take me and the dancing squeaker out for a walk, feel the cold hit my face like an energising gift, stopped to hear the thrust of an incoming tide and looked up at the skinny branches cutting the sky. I watched my little dog bounce through the ice-crisped leaves, saw he pick up a stick, long as a fence post and a definite threat to my legs when she scoots into the lead. I chuckled and felt the expulsion of air blast out all the overwhelm. Among the beauty of nature, things simplify. Fallen bracken stalks create a twinkling mound beside the track, all covered in ice and flashing in the sunlight as I move onwards. Ghost trees stand like sentries either side of me, and through the evergreen pines, the sky is a cerulean blue. Tiny clouds, miles above me, look like they’re painted on with a wide and wet brush. Ahead, snow clouds puff up behind the hills, a sort of ariel bonfire, ice white, sun-tipped. Will it snow, I wonder?

I meet nobody at all. Cutting through the woods, I look to the beyond. It seems to go on forever, and however hard I stare at it, this beyond, I will never get to the end of it. I realise that I have been staring at the ground too much, scurrying like a frightened mouse through my small concerns, and allowing them to create my state of mind. I watch a sea eagle slide through the sky, wings wide, slow and easy, and decide I need to get myself up there, to let my small concerns remain on a page or in. my diary, small they are, very small, and I am at liberty to alter or change any or all of them. I am unsure driving in icy conditions so, once I am home again and have rebooted the fire, I call to organise new appointments for a hair cut, an MOT, a shingles jag appointment. I settle to some sewing, eat lunch, switch off the phone and go upstairs for an hour to rest. Perhaps I will sleep a little. The walk into the wilds has given me form perspective, as it always does. Always.

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Island Blog – Thinks on Waiting

I love this time of year. Yes, it does rain most days, but if I wait and watch, I can pick an in-between space within which to walk out with Little Boots, the wee dog. I am so not a waterproofs woman, to hell with that crackling stuff. I am frocks and bare legs and would go barefoot if the track wasn’t so sharp with stones and wotwot. The in-between times show me chiaroscuro in the wide open sky, like a light show no human could ever emulate successfully. I love the touch of cold grass beneath my naked feet each morning, the thrill of the cold, the smell of it, the fizz in my breath. I love the sound of raindrops (not on those hideous waterproofs), the soft plunk onto grass, the tinkle of it on the roof of my warm conservatory roof, like a tap dance of fingernails. I love the feel of wind in my face, the way the (cheeky sod) lifts the skirts of my frocks, all layered up now, and flaps them wet against my bare legs. I love the sound of the current nonsensically named wind as it divides the limbs of beech trees, oaks, sycamores, larch and pine. Each sound is unique to each tree.

As I move beneath the rain-laden canopy, ready to duck, a wind nudge lifts a limb out of my way. I smile and speak out my thank you. The floor of the wood is not soaked, latent fungi leaping out in oranges and reds and snowy white and danger. I don’t know my fungi, beyond the chanterelles, so I just admire, no touching. I navigate the muddy puddles, or ‘cuddles’ as my grandaughter calls them. They are too disturbed to reflect the sky and too muddy because there is traffic on this track, workers on the estate, families who live here, passing up and down just like I did, endlessly, when it was Tapselteerie and it was ours for a while.

As I head for home, the fire already merry, the afternoon beginning to lay down her weary body, to hand over to the evening, I consider all those waiting. I think of people, all people, not just those I know. Waiting for answers, waiting for buses, for appointments, for interviews, for a plate of food, for a future, for just someone to acknowledge the pains of a troubled past; for a child to be born, for someone to finally die. There’s a whole load of waiting going on in this world. The sealoch waits, I watched it do that waiting thing, as one wind puffed out and the other (Arlene???) headed towards it. I saw geese peaceful, unfluffed up. I saw a sea eagle perform in majesty so high above me as to let me know it was probably dodging ice, wings wide, slow, dip, cut the sky in half, level and return.

I waited all day yesterday to hear the results of my recent tests. I had a friend here and we both had notepads full of questions, ready, alert. Our alertness began to dive about 3pm. We couldn’t walk Little Boots together. We had to be beside the phone. No call came. So I made contact this morning and received an almost immediate return call. It’s good news. There is still a tumour, yes, we know that, but there is no second, just an extension of the original, like a tendril. All lymph biopsies are clear. Plan is to insert, under local anaesthetic (eek) a Savvy Scout, which will grab all the floaty bits, apparently. Then, a short while after that is done, surgery. I still don’t know what, as I still haven’t spoken with the surgeon, but I am not worried. I liked him, trust him, and his team. It looks like towards the end of October when all this will come about.

I know waiting is tough. For birds who want feeding, to those awaiting decisions on scary surgery. It is exhausting, and I am as tired as I was in the days of Tapselteerie. And I am also thankful. I know I have massive support and love from my family, from friends, from all of you and I cannot tell you how precious that is, in the times of worry or confusion or just plain shatter. And, this, too shall pass. Whatever comes next, I know the sensual joy of really living, of my connection to nature, of the sound of music, the lyrics of songs telling me I am not alone; of books and stories, of my own and the impact it had on hundreds of others; of this focussed and caring cancer team; of the ferry that still runs, of the rain, of the light in the sky and of the full moon, of clouds and light and the fact that I have plenty frocks all for the changing should I get caught in a deluge of cloudal tears.

‘She is one who can laugh at the things to come’. That’s a bible quote. I like it, very much. And I can wait, as long as it takes, with humour and sass, even if I have no idea of what for.

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Island Blog – There is no Silence

I walk after the rain and into the silence. But it isn’t silent at all, not once I move further in, because, although the pitter and the patter has stopped, there is an aftermath and that is where I am, me and my wee dog on an empty track, which also isn’t empty. How strange it is to discover a new depth of understanding, new ears for listening, new eyes for seeing, but only when a curious person moves deeper into an experience. At first sight, on first hearing, something is an absolute. It has stopped raining. There is quiet out there. The track is empty of people, there is just me here. Then the absolute begins to dissolve, to reshape, to sharpen my wits and my awareness, becoming something unending, evolving and wide open to change. Within this dissolving absolute, I move on, wide-eyed, open eared, listening, looking, feeling, using all my senses. I am not powerful here, not the only ‘It’ in the situation, just a small part of something magical.

A drip falls on my head, a fat drip, one that has gathered other drips into its belly whilst hanging from a leaf, one I didn’t notice at all, what with that massive canopy above me. It is heavy, a kerplunk of a thing. It lands like timpani on the sound box of my skull, a beat, just one. I feel it break, travel down my neck, a tiny river, down and down until the small of my back tingles and I shudder. It is warm now, courtesy of my faithful skin cover, and it disappears into the cotton of my knickers and is no more. But I felt it, I noticed it and we, for just a moment or two, were together on this wander. The rain has left rivulets along the track, tiny lifted ridges awaiting a squash from heavy boots. Beetles wander, indigo blue and quite unable to remain upright, it seems. I right a few. Puddles reflect the lowering sky, the complication of clouds, stratus, cumulous, thisicus and. thatitcus, the nauties not visible and I long to see the nauties. High, they fly, way way up there, but this sky, this fluff of cloud mates are busy taking the stage for now. The sun peeks through in a spreadlight, slices of glare, pushing through the skinny fluff, determined to shine, much like me.

The floor of the fairy woods are dry, the ground bouncy beneath my feet. Mosses, wild green, almost luminous, abound in the dark which isn’t dark once you walk into it, and I do. I pause and look around. How many people over hundreds of years have paused here, right here, with a story to tell, a heart full of joy or pain, a thousand questions unasked, unanswered? How many decision made and what was the aftermath, how wide the ripples? What trysts were sealed, what lives begun or ended on this beautiful Tapselteerie land? I will never know, nor does it matter. T’is enough to wonder.

Lont-tailed tits work the trees way above me. A heron flaps lazily overhead and a sea-eagle yips from far across the loch, yelling abuse at an irritation of gulls. Wild grasses tip into seed, no less beautiful in their dying. A single hind across the sealoch mounts a rock in order to browse the leaves of a tree whilst her faun curls snugly inside a bed of bracken. The wind is soft on my skin, the cloud-sun warming to my bones, the birdsong elevated after the rain. There is no silence in nature, only a shapeshift, for one who is alert and aware. And, in the melee of a human life with its troubles and wotwots, nature keeps a conversation going, one soft voiced, uplifting and always ready for whatever comes.

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Island Blog – Nature Talk

Snow. I know. Riddickerluss, but snow is here turning the Ben into a light, red at sunrise and bridal just now. That white is a white we can never replicate on material, nor in paint. I remember art school, madly trying to find a pure white, the one Nature produces without a single dither. Ach!. it’s an ‘almost’ at best. Clouds for we painters were always the ultimate challenge. I digress. This Ben is millions of years old, thrust up in the ice age or some such thrusting era, when lands split and digressed and pushed up from oceans and upset a whole load of sailing boats, dinosaurs, marauders and those who set out to ‘discover’ lands which, just fyi, had been lands for a very long time pre ‘discovery’, those who lived there already being just fine with their living thing. Looking at the Ben thinks me of such. When I see and watch a creation way older than me, holding stories and histories within its stones, its edges, its falls and its brave organic life clinging to ledges and finding sunspots, adapting and allowing and still thriving, I marvel. We eejits can learn a thing or two from such a claim to life, instead of whinging about the lack of ryvita (me) or wood (me) on the island.

If nature, sorry Nature, can find ways to adapt to change, big ass change, then so can we. But there’s a difference. Nature has always challenged her followers, her children, her ground, her stones, her seas. We, on the other hand, grow comfortable too easily. A fine street, good housing, adequate pavements, parking, drainage, etcetera has turned us into lumps. I remember in my middle class youth, hearing that this generation, mine, needed to know hardship. I turned away from such nonsense, laughing, well fed, safe, in good housing, secure. Now I see the truth in what they said. We have no idea how to deal with hardship, never taught, not through the years of expectation and abundance. But now we do need to pare our tools, to sharpen our wits because it is coming. We need to teach our children that nothing is a given, to learn them inner strength to deal with what is out there now, how to meet life physically and mentally strong. I wish my own parents had taught me how life can be in the ‘out there’ but they never thought it would change, the ‘out there’. I was completely unprepared, me in my white socks and with church on Sundays and everything warm and safe. I learned the hard way. My kids too, the next generation. And they have kids.

It isn’t the end of the world, no, not at all, but I know that those who learn how to accept the beginnings of climate change and its effects now, will be the kids who can find their way whilst others fanny about wishing it wasn’t happening at all. They, the former, will be the ones who notice everything good such as snow on the Ben in April, hear the sound of life in lambs, watch the green of grass and refuse to cut it, allowing wildflowers to rise for insect food and pollination, who will share their wood when there is a lack, who will learn to bake bread, grow herbs and veg, who will be wise in the ways of that which Nature has been telling us for years.

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Island Blog – Be Present

Ooooeeee another gale, barreling in from the silence of the peaceful hours before, like a trumpet invading a gentle string quartet, or the raise of an angry voice at a child’s birthday party. A woman like me might be caught out at sea in a canoe of trust if I believed the sky. I don’t. Not any more. I have learned that what appears (or whom appears) peaceful and easy, warming and seductive, is, or can be, a big fat lie. It doesn’t make me bitter, oh no, it makes me smile, lends me awareness and I can feel my feet flex for change. Good thing too. This is our new world. I walk, listen to the trees as they angst and sing, moan and bend. Hallo my friends. I admit to a gasp beneath the ancient beeches, their limbs stretched way across my path, too way across. I A study of them, the birth mother (trunk) and the young she has sent out in search of the limited light, tells me she overstretched. A creak, and I gasp and stand stock still, just for a moment. I know what I know about trees falling. They warn you. First, they crack, then they groan. If you aren’t hot-wired to earpods, or just immersed in the shout of your inner thoughts, you will hear the warning. I am vigilant. Although I heard the tree chatter today, I knew nothing would fall. I walk under ancient trees, miles long lines of them, old ladies and old men with stories, birds, insects and tree house opportunities held in their limbs, even in outreach. And the gale blows on, as it will, at 60mph for at least 3 more days. So be it.

I watch the jasmine and wisteria creeper break and flap, fall and flounder. The dance of death is beautiful, I see it now, a silhouette of movement no human could replicate. The rain falls inside and out. I watch my very small bit of ceiling break and flap, fall and founder and I have my buckets at the ready. This celebrated break, fall, flap, lala of ceiling will have to come down. It is very small. When someone has lived with entire ceilings falling down, a small one feels like nothing very much. And that thinks me. Experience, experiential life is the best teacher of all. If there is the strength in a person, if that person is not too broken by whatever life has thrown his or her way, he, or she, will find it and he or she will rise into a new land. I cannot explain it, not at all, but I do know the truth of it. From panic, arm flapping and a dash to the loo, to decision and a new perspective that only ever comes from living through the shit and deciding not to stay there or even just not wanting what is – even not knowing what to do next #nomatter, even feeling lost and confused and hopeless and controlled and tiddleypom. I know tiddelypom.

So what am I saying, no, shouting, against the sergeant major voice of the battering gale, the unpredictability of whims, the slam dunk of massive blasts, the weakening fight of my last blooms of colour? I say this. Bend, like the ancient trees. Listen to what nature says. Be present whenever you are out among what grows and has grown and will grow again. Be present.

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Island Blog – Amen to that

I walk out, barefoot, onto the morning grass, feel the cool bite of it, the ice chill thrill up my legs. It’s early morning and the birds already line the staves, making what sounds like the beginning of a piece of music. I’m coming, I tell them, armed as I am with seed, with hemispheres of nourishing fat. I watch the sun lift from his eastern bed, the clouds turning fringe-pink, the blue mountain defined as if by a black marker. I see late bats scoot through the dawn, a pair of early ravens cawk overhead, a five of Brent geese loop around to land with a scoosh of bright white spume into the sea-loch. An ordinary morning, for me at least.

As the sun lifts higher and the cumulus resolves into cotton wool, I see the beech trees yellow into gold. The sky is stratus with high wind, but down here we are calm. It isn’t often like this. Mornings like these just beg to engage with us, beg us not to waste a single moment at the controlling end of a hoover because the birds are waiting for an audience, the puddles slack and dull and just longing for a jumping foot to cause exciting chaos. Do we ever think of that? Do we understand our own importance in the jungle of nature, that a path wants to be walked along, a sky craves our attention, a bird wants to be heard and not just by another bird?

I hear the stags roar across the hillsides, not visible to me but their voices are, that fight for dominance, for life itself. I hear the rally cars out there, the roar of them, the lights, the speed as they take the island roads by storm. I hear voices in the village shop, the words flying up from somewhere in between fresh veg and chilled goods, the lilt of a conversation, the murmur of loneliness from a single shopper reading his list out loud. Are you lonely? Are you alone? Two very different questions. I wish a rally driver the very best of luck tonight and he smiles as wide as a whole country. Thank you! he says. What number is your car? I ask, having heard it roar past my door, all throaty as an old whisky drinking rock singer, a few times over the past few days. It’s bright blue and covered in stickers and he, the driver, is young and full of spiritful life. I know nothing of him but I do know his smile and his response and that what I suddenly said meant something to him. We all need to be heard.

Before each rain shower, and there are always those, I watch the fall streaks, the virga , and I marvel. As they dance across the sea-loch like ethereal ghost dancers, I wonder how many people missed seeing them; on the way to work, dealing with recalcitrant children, caught up in the gazillion immediates of an ordinary life. It thinks me. If any didactic had ‘encouraged’ me to take time out, as a young mum, to really see, no, to REALLY see, the wonders of the great Out There, I would have whacked them in the chops. I would have screamed ‘ Can’t you see how impossible my life is right now!’ And that scream never deserved a question mark.

So, there is something about being older, about having the time and the head space to connect with something greater than myself. Another thing about being older is this, and I quote from Oscar Wilde, even though he says it with more drama than I might :-

‘The tragedy of growing old is not that one is old, but that one is young.’

And I say Amen to that.