Just in case anyone thought I had fallen permanently off the ladder of life, I am here to announce, with renewed confidence, that I did, short term, but now I am back and climbing once again.
I think that this year has been a big one and that it took a toll on me, one I struggled to pay off. The emergence of Island Wife into the world with all its accompanying publicity and travel threw me into a new place, one I didn’t know my way around. Add to that the emotional push and shove of a very personal and honest story flowing anew into, not just my own life, but those involved in it. It wasn’t just me who needed to have the answers to all those questions after all. Each character was thrown into the deep end, just when they thought they had deep ends enough of their own to swim through.
Within this, there is joy and there is sadness. As long as a personal story remains inside a person, it is manageable. It lies mostly in the inner straits of a personal map, perhaps allowed out in snatches, perhaps not. Suddenly I bring out the super trooper and the whole thing is centre stage, blinding, and not just to the distant onlooker.
I had not envisaged it at all. And nor, I suspect, had they.
Laying out a life story for the world to see requires each involvee to live it all again, with individual takes on each part of it. Believe me, hardly two together saw it the same way, and only I saw it as Island Wife.
I saw again the failing in me. I read again the times I was too weak and feeble to lift my eyes above the situation I found myself in. I feel the guilt, I feel the shame, and, as recently, when I became unwell and exhausted, I revisited those feelings. I didn’t want to, but their voices are strong and much louder than those who tell me I did my very best.
Now why is that Judy Fairbairns? is it that you love to beat yourself up? Is it that you are constructed in such a way that you are, when at a low ebb, dangerous in your inward thinking? Is it that you don’t see yourself with any value rating through the eyes of others? And, do you think too much?
If I am honest, I will say yes to all of the above, but, I know I am only out of balance. Within me are two major powers. One creates, the other destroys and they are two sides of the same moon.
I can light the night or eclipse the sun. It isn’t either/ or….it is both, and there is a wonderful energy in that. If I was a beige girl, I would walk a steady path. I am not beige. I am rainbow or midnight black. If I can honour both, I find my power. Not over others, but over myself.
And the key is to accept both and not to hide away from the dark side. To be honest about the whole moon, recognise it, honour it in its natural orbit, and bit by bit, year on year learn how to wind in the strings of each energy, with my own bare hands and battered heart until I know myself completely. Only then will I really be me.
The key for now?