Island Blog 106 A Timely Light

Fungus2

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone who comments on my blogs.  Your responses to my own thoughts, thrown out into the world, come back to me like a soft warm morning full of birdsong.  I write as I feel, looking not for a Well Done, but to touch on another’s life, to connect a couple of dots perhaps, to feel I am not alone, not physically, but in my innermost self, that woman I am stuck with, as she is, with me.

It makes me consider these two women – the visible one and Her Indoors, and the oftentimes mismatch between the two of us.

In the early hours before dawn, I ask myself big questions, such as who are you?  and what do you want of this life? and why do we get in the way of each other?  and why is it we aren’t perfectly aligned in our thinking?  I know it may be a tad late to be addressing these major issues, but I seem to be doing it now and, besides, time is an illusion, whatever that means.

When I meet someone, I observe her intently.  I learn much about her from how she says what she says, her body language, her choice of dress, the pitch and volume of their voice.  I can hear clearly what the inner person is saying, however much talk comes out of her mouth.  Is she really herself or is she fitting in to the shape either she, or others, require of her?  Is her confidence real or built only on the sand of her expectations?  What drives her?  The need to be thought of as a ‘good’ woman, or the need to be true to herself, or a bit of both?  Does she feel she has done her very best in this life, or is there an ache of regret and loss, and how well has she managed to conceal it under bright merriment and high rise cheese souffles?

I often feel there is a wasp in between me and someone of whom I have just asked a personal question.  One like….. Are You Happy?  Oh, I will get a list of all those things she may quickly pull into the room like the success of her children, the fact that the Co-op now sells mixed peel outside of the Christmas period, the arrival of the Redwings to colour up an autumn scene, but she won’t answer me direct.  After all, what she feels about her life is not important at all.  What is important is how she can make others happy, and this the point when I am in danger of falling out with Her Indoors, because I understand it completely and it is surely a goodly way to live, isn’t it?

No, it is not enough, and becomes glaringly clear when the children fly the coop, and she is without purpose, unless she has been ‘selfish’ during the busy years, and taken time to develop and grow her own interest, one that can support her to the end of her days.

When I look back on my own life, I see how fortunate I have been in my choices.  I found a man who has never understood for one second the shrieking sharp-toothed Her Indoors, but has loved her anyway, even if he did have to walk about in full armour-plating for many years, which was wise of him considering my deadly aim.

I think we don’t need to seek acceptance, nor understanding for the inner person, except from ourselves.  The big mistake is to bury her, or him, for this applies to both species, and then to blame an outsider for our own refusal to let light in.

Without light, nothing grows but fungus.

5 thoughts on “Island Blog 106 A Timely Light

  1. I totally agree with all of the above – the search for self, the need for selfishness to avoid being at everyone’s beck and call and more than anything, the lack of purpose. I retired from teaching 5 years ago and enjoy hobbies, but that’s all they are. They don’t give my life direction. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t go back to working for a living for all the tea in China, but I think myself in circles and still feel in a fog about it, as though I’m missing something very obvious.

  2. hear hear!! when my children left and my purpose till that point left with them… what was revealed was deep sorrow from earlier stuff…..a struggle to get through and find life again…. and a purpose…. but being ‘selfish’ is important…. in other words… attending to the self… or her indoors instead of constantly directing all that energy out to others exclusively… it will catch up to you and those nearest you…. my husband has good armour too….in the end!!

  3. I’ve been told many times before that I ‘should’ be doing this and I ‘should’ be doing that because it would look good to others. Apparently it’s good for you if others can see you bizzing about!?! Yes, helping and being there for others is a wonderful thing but not at the expense of Her indoors… Xx

  4. I found I empathised with what you wrote but don’t have the confidence to face it myself. You have provided some food for thought.

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